Tuesday, December 2, 2014

It's the Christmas season again!

I'm so excited for this Christmas.  Saturday night we decorated the Christmas tree, listened to Christmas music and drank egg nog.. Or wine, in my case- egg nog for the boys :) it was the most enjoyable family moment we've had in a while.  It was refreshing to just tuck away everything we've been going through and enjoy each other's company.  

I took advantage of double cash back on Ebates and bought a bunch of the kids Christmas presents.  Feels good to at least be started.  I don't know what I would do without online shopping.  If you haven't checked out Ebates, you should.  

Dawson started preschool 2 days a week, about a month ago.  He's really really enjoying it.  I was worried he might throw a fit when I dropped him off but it's the opposite.. It's when I pick him up! His teacher is wonderful and he's making friends at school.  It's awesome to see him be able to socialize more.  It's also helping tremendously with his behavior.  We are still struggling with fits, time outs, and defiance but it's a work in progress.  He gets very excited easily and then his behavior is off the charts awful.  He's growing so fast, I'm pretty sure he was ready for preschool a long time ago but I wasn't.  

Halle is still doing about the same.  We just did a series of stool tests and some blood tests.  Her blood tests came back inconclusive so we are repeating them in about another week.  I should hear about stool tests tomorrow.  Her EKG is finally scheduled for December 9th.. It's been rough to get an appointment that will work.  She goes back to the pediatric GI on December 18th, and I need to schedule her 4 month appointment (say what?! How is she almost 4 months already?!)

I'm working to find a new psychiatrist.. No such luck yet.  I'm back on my 100mg of zoloft but I'm still supplementing with Ativan at night and I just don't feel quite right.  I'm guessing I need some things tweaked.  I'm also on the hunt for a new therapist.. I was hoping to go back to one I used to see a few years ago but her schedule is full.  I feel overwhelmed with Halle's stuff so it's been hard to focus on what I need to do for myself.  I still need to go for my 2 hour glucose test too.  I'm trying to do it all.

We had family photos taken last weekend and unfortunately their prices were so outrageous (and not as advertised at all) that we only got a few photos.  My mom and I are taking the kids to get their picture taken at a cheaper rate so we can have more of the two of them at least.  

Despite all of Halle's problems, she's developing a sweet little personality when her stomach isn't killing her.  She loves to be talked to, chew on her hands, and she likes silly sounds too.  Morning time is usually her happiest time and we get lots of smiles then.  The rest of the day usually kind of goes downhill but it's more than we ever got with Dawson at this age so I'll take it! I thought she would be fascinated with the Christmas tree but thus far she hasn't seemed to even notice it! 
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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I'm still alive, I promise!

This was written on 10/24 and I was just able to post it.. Goes to show how little time I have! 

Life with a 3.5 year old and a newborn is rough.  Life with a newborn that has allergies and feeding issues is even more rough.  Thank god for family.. Or I would not be surviving this!

I haven't shared simply because I haven't had time!  Halle was about 10 days old when I decided breastfeeding was not for me.  My body wasn't loving it (in fact, quite the opposite) and neither was my mind.  I was falling down the rabbit hole again.  I promised myself I wouldn't even consider exclusively pumping, so we moved on to formula.  Instant relief.. at least at first. 

After about 10 days on the formula (gerber good start gentle) Halle started vomiting and getting so gassy that she would just scream all day. We were already having issues with her taking to a bottle, so this was a double whammy.  She had an ultrasound performed to rule out pyloric stenosis.. she did not have pyloric stenosis, but she was constipatednd bloated.  We started using suppositories to see if that was the problem.  No dice.  

We switched to soy formula and the doctor decided we should do an upper GI.  After a lot of scheduling headaches and still vomiting and now a rash covering her chest and face, we got it done.  The radiologist confirmed my fears... Halle has reflux.  This means when she's drinking, or laying down, or has pressure on her belly, she regurgitates her formula.  It hurts her.  Dawson was also a reflux baby and my heart was instantly broken to know we had to go through this again and that she was in pain.  Thankfully, the doctors are more proactive this time.  After a little over 2 weeks on soy formula and doing poorly, they had us switch to nutramigen, a hypoallergenic formula, and Zantac twice daily.  We got a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist.  

By the time we got to see the pediatric GI doctor, it was clear to me that the nutramigen was helping but not solving the problem.  The doctor agreed, after testing her poopy diaper for blood.  It was positive.  We started an amino acid formula called Neocate.  It was so thin, she couldn't keep it down. We've now been on a different amino acid formula called Elecare for a couple of days and she is still vomiting a lot.  Halle has allergic colitis.  

In the midst of all of this, one of her doctors found a heart murmur.  We have a referral to get an EKG done now.  Also, she's seeing a therapist for feeding issues.  She doesn't suck properly and several doctors have commented that she feeds like a premie- like the instinct isn't there yet.  It's getting better, but as a result she swallows a lot of air while eating.  We also have a swallow study scheduled for November 13th to make sure she's not aspirating any of her formula because she wheezes and sounds like she needs to clear her throat after she eats or spits up. 

I kind of feel like I spend more time at one doctor's office or another or the hospital rather than at home.  I imagined when we switched to formula that I would be on my feet and at least doing basic chores around the house.  It's all I can do to keep the kids fed and get a shower each day (or every couple of days if I'm being honest). 

 Thankfully I have had a lot of help from my mom.  I know it's hard on her and my dad for her to spend so much time here but it really is my saving grace.  I know if I leave my kids with her, they are taken care of.  I can go to doctor appointments and focus on what they are saying, and not what Dawson is getting into.  I get out of the house so my depression doesn't worsen.  I would be in a much different place mentally if not for her.  

So I apologize but posts may be few and far between for a while!  I will certainly try to write and share pictures if given the time.  Dawson starts preschool next week and maybe that will help! 

Friday, September 5, 2014

Halle MaryAnn, a birth story

I wrote a couple of posts (here, and here) about how scared I was to give birth and how nervous I was that everything would happen like it did with Dawson.  I thought I would share how this experience went and what was different- in good ways and bad.

As everyone knows, I was scheduled to be induced bright and early on Tuesday August 19th- 39 weeks exactly.  I tried to relax and distract myself the night before.  Joe and my mom were on cloud nine, all excited, while I paced and really just tried to not think about it all.  My bags were packed, and I took anti anxiety meds late that night.  They didn't work.  I got maybe an hour of sleep, silently praying for natural labor.  Obviously, my body didn't hear me.  

Pregnancy 39 weeks induction

I was admitted right away and by 9:30am I had seen the doctor, had my IV placed, and knew I was still 2 centimeters dilated.  Pitocin was started.  I was having contractions even before it was started, but they were pretty weak.  At noon or 1pm, my doctor was back to check me and hopefully break my water.. No such luck, I was too tense and he couldn't reach or get my water broken.  He said at that point he didn't want me to have any more cervix checks or my water broken until I had an epidural.  I still was doing okay, but contractions were getting strong enough that I wasn't talking through them anymore.  

I was scared to have an epidural after how poorly mine went with Dawson so I put it off.  At 6pm I asked for it.. but I wanted anti-anxiety meds first.  The nurse and anesthesiologist both looked at me like I had 4 heads, but I was really scared.  The anesthesiologist gave me something in my IV and then started.  First placement hurt like hell and didn't work.  He took it out and I cried and cried.  I felt like it was a repeat of when I had my epidural with Dawson.  I just wanted them to get it in and get it over with.   He had to use a massive amount of numbing agent and then go in from the side.  Apparently the spaces in my back are pretty crooked and small.  

By 8pm I was numb and happy!  They cranked my pitocin up and then we waited.  At about 10:30pm it was like my epidural quit working.. My legs were still numb but I was feeling contractions again.  Anesthesia came back in and re-dosed me.  It made my legs way more numb, but I was still feeling contractions and they were excruciating.  My nurse decided to check me.  It was about 10 till midnight and I was 9 centimeters!  

Now we just had to wait for Halle to drop down a bit further.  Little lady did not waste any time, and the  nurse began to prep the room.  Cameras were out and ready, and by the time the doctor arrived I was more than ready to push.  Three pushes later, Halle MaryAnn was born, all 7 pounds, 5 ounces of her!  I immediately said to Joe "she's so small, she's smaller than Dawson." Yep! By almost a whole pound!  I still tore in the same location but the doctor was wonderful.. There was no manual stretching, no needles, none of the scary stuff.  She just let my body do what it needed to do.  


I had to be catheterized twice, which was horrible.. but it's part of getting the epidural.  I had so many fluids pumped into me it was ridiculous.  It's taken me 2 weeks to get rid of the fluid retention.  Overall, I'm healing much better this time but there have been some bumps in the road. 

Induction was scary, but it turned out to be a better experience.  Still not great, but that may just be because it's fresh in my mind.  Time heals. 

Thursday, August 28, 2014


Quick post for now- I have my hands full! Birth story and more details to follow :)

Halle MaryAnn Clark
August 20th, 2014, 12:39am
7 lbs 5 oz, 19.5 inches

Photobucket Pictures, Images and PhotosPhotobucket Pictures, Images and PhotosPhotobucket Pictures, Images and PhotosPhotobucket Pictures, Images and PhotosPhotobucket Pictures, Images and Photos
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Friday, August 15, 2014

38 weeks.. Induction on Tuesday!

Bump picture 38 weeks pregnancy
38 weeks and 3 days in this picture! Just a few more days..  And yikes, my face and everything else are swelling! 

I had a nurse visit Monday to recheck my blood pressure.  It was fine, totally normal.  No protein in my urine, blood sugar was normal for me, temperature was normal.. About the only thing that was "off" was my pulse was 115, which is pretty high.  I'm still dizzy and can't catch my breath (like, EVER) so they determined that's probably just from the anemia.  The anemia is really, really kicking my butt.  I was hoping after being on the iron pills, and eating iron rich foods, that after a few days I would feel better.  It's been a week and there's not much change.

  I had my last BPP ultrasound and OB appointment today and that went well.  I really didn't think I would make it to my induction on Tuesday with all the contractions & cramping I've been having but now I'm fully expecting it.  Triggers my anxiety really, really bad.  I got some anti anxiety meds today to help me cope, and get my pregnant waddling butt through the hospital doors Tuesday morning. I will definitely need it.  Looks like instead of doing any kind of cervical ripening (where they place a gel or suppository near/on your cervix) we will be skipping and going straight to IV pitocin.  I've had a lot more contractions this week but they haven't been productive, my cervix hasn't changed from last week.  My doctor is confident that I'll respond well because of the contractions and my quick labor with Dawson.  I'll be getting an epidural to save as much energy as possible.  Feeling pretty good about this plan.    Still scared of course, but I don't see that going away. 

How far along? 38 weeks 3 days pregnant.. Baby is the size of a pumpkin! 

Weight gain?  Scale at the doctor's office Monday was +22.  Today I was +20.  

Belly button? Out.  Totally out.  I'm curious to see what it will look like after this is all over. I don't think it's ever been stretched like this.  It never popped out while I was pregnant with Dawson.  

Wedding rings on or off? Off.  In a box on my nightstand.  My hands are pretty swollen this week. 

Movement? Yep, still moving.  Much, much less now though.  She still passes her kick counts, but she's not so wild anymore.. Unless I eat chocolate.  I thought she was going to kill me from the inside the other day when I had a couple of dark chocolates and some peanutbutter.  It's really funny to see when she gets startled by something now because I can see her jerk, and then watch her breathe pretty quickly for a few minutes.  Luckily she seems unphased by most noise. 

Maternity clothes? Yes and no.  I can't wear much anymore.  Living in my non-maternity dresses, and my maternity skirt.  I'm honestly not sure I could get my shorts on at this point, which is fine because I'm not shaving my legs either.  

Symptoms? Feeling? Exhausted.  Contractions are just teasing me.  My back hurts, my old car accident injury is really really bothering me.  My hips hurt like hell, I would actually compare the pain to AFTER I had Dawson.  There's literally no place or position that's not uncomfortable.  I dread going to bed each night because it's so uncomfortable.  I wish I could breathe like a normal person too. 

Mood? Not good.  I'm whiny, weepy, and frustrated.  Makes for a really cranky mama.  I'm restless and anxious as hell.  I'm just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop and it's maddening.  

Missing? Breathing.  Sleeping on my back.  Alcoholic beverages.  My medications.  This list could go on and on.  

Looking forward to? Getting labor and delivery over with.  Holding her, seeing her for the first time.  Pain meds!! Ha! 

Sleep?  Not really happening, folks.  I spend more time in bed pissed off than actually sleeping.  Although with 1/2 an Ativan today I managed the most glorious nap.. I haven't been physically able to nap in months.  Operation get as much rest as possible before Tuesday is in play! 

Exercise? No.  Just no.  I contemplated a walk around our neighborhood last night after a few timeable contractions but quickly changed my mind. 

Any cravings? Nothing really.  Food is just a chore and a hassle at this point.  I crave the things I can't have and that's really about it. 

Food aversions? Almost everything? Yeah. Pretty much sums it up! 

Next post should be about having an outside baby! 

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Saturday, August 9, 2014

37 weeks.. Less than 2 weeks to go!

37 weeks and 2 days in this picture! Less than 2 weeks until we meet this little wiggle-butt!   

I had my 37 week appointment yesterday.  It didn't go great.  Long story short, baby girl did great for her ultrasound (I think because she was showing off for her daddy) but mama is not doing so great.  

I cried yesterday morning because I just really felt THAT awful.  My blood pressure was 156/98 at my appointment which is really high for me.  I complained last week I was seeing spots and I have had a nagging headache almost non stop.  Dawson went to the beach with Grandma K on Thursday and I spent the whole day in bed.  The nurse and doctor were both concerned and said I look awful.. Well I feel awful! 

 I had my cervix checked,  I'm 2 centimeters dilated and 0 percent effaced.  Then they drew blood and sent me to the hospital to monitor my blood pressure and the baby for a while, at least until the results of my blood work came in.  They hooked me all up to the monitors and my blood pressure had gone back down, but I was still feeling really awful and then I was contracting every few minutes.  A few hours later, we got to see the on-call doctor and she said my iron was LOW and I'm severely anemic.  I'm showing signs of pre-eclampsia and it could set in any time.  So, I'm no longer allowed to be left alone, go anywhere alone, or care for Dawson.  She said she would have been inducing me if not for the iron, and that was bad enough that she didn't think I would even be able to deliver and would probably require a transfusion.  Funny (or NOT so funny) thing is, I've been complaining of all the symptoms of being anemic since I was 16 weeks pregnant! They just brushed it off and never did any bloodwork.. Anyway, I'm on a bunch of iron pills now and Grandma K will be here until Halle makes her entrance.  

I've pretty much hit the wall.  Dawson and I did nothing all week except keep the house semi put together.  I did some laundry, he's napped daily, and I've mostly given up on cooking and dishes too (sorry Mom, I'm trying!) I'm just over it all.   But to prevent a super awful recovery, I'll  (hopefully) keep her in until I can get my iron up a bit.  

How far along? 37 weeks 4 days pregnant.. Baby is the size of a winter melon! 

Weight gain?  According to the scale at home, I've lost 2 lbs.. So +17.  Weird.  Scale at the doctor says +20. 

Belly button? Out and looking horrific.  This is crazy.. I usually have a super deep belly button.  

Wedding rings on or off? Off.  

Movement? Yes, but more her feet and hands.  I can tell when she rolls over from one side to the other because her butt changes sides of my belly button.   I think she's pretty much going to stay head down.  She gets the hiccups pretty regularly and I can see her expanding her lungs to practice breathing if I watch my belly.  It's so weird, but cool. 

Maternity clothes? Not really.  I have a few things that fit but I mostly want to live in dresses.  Also, I wish I didn't have to wear underwear of any kind because they just flat hurt.  

Symptoms? Feeling? Contractions have been a little more serious this week, but nothing more than prodromal labor.  Just enough to annoy me and keep me from sleeping more than 10-20 minute stretches.  My back hurts something awful, and gets 100 times worse with each contraction.  My nausea is really bad.  Reflux is pretty miserable too, even with meds.. there's really just no more room for my stomach.  It hurts to walk, more than I ever imagined it could.  I'm uncomfortable no matter where I'm at.  Some more swelling in my feet and pelvis and now some in my hands. 

Mood? Whiny.  I walk around all day complaining about one pregnancy related ache, pain, or annoyance all day long.  Joe is a trooper, because I can't even stand myself at this point! I know- I'm only 37 weeks, suck it up. 

Missing? Not hurting everywhere.  Eating as much or as little of something as I want.  I'm missing wearing comfortable NORMAL clothes.  Also, I miss not being a walking exhibit.  Seriously, I want to tell some people to take a freaking picture.  Yes, I'm huge, I get it.  Stop staring. 

Looking forward to? Getting labor and delivery over with.  Holding her, seeing her for the first time.  Bless my friends on my mommy message board, seeing their babies finally arrive has made me more excited than scared.  

Sleep?  Propped up on 3 pillows in short spurts? Yeah it's a blast.  I dread bed time.  However, I'm pretty impressed with how I've been functioning off little to no sleep.  Sleep deprivation was the hardest part of bringing Dawson home and I'm actually feeling a little bit more confident this time about how I will cope.  Ask me again when she's 2-3 weeks old though.  

Exercise? No.  Ha!  Kudos to those who can exercise until the very end, 'cause that is NOT happening here.  I'm daydreaming about a good run, but it sure as hell isn't happening. 

Any cravings? Donuts.  I shared one with Dawson last week and it was like heaven.  It didn't spike my blood sugar either.  I also want regular soda, which is weird because I don't drink soda on a regular basis.  Oh, and a milkshake sounds awesome. 

Food aversions? Tons.. I don't even think I could list them all.  I'm tired of the kinds of food I can eat on this diet. 

Until next week! Unless we have a baby by then :) 

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Thursday, August 7, 2014

Time to cut it again

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard.  For me, at any rate.  I know there are some women out there that probably think all my whining is ridiculous, and to be honest with my first pregnancy, that would have been my thought too.  My mom said it well- this pregnancy has been an 8-9 month long nightmare, not just the last few weeks. The anticipation for it to be over (and new challenges to arrive) is huge right now.. Not just for me, but for my whole family.

Unfortunately, that comes with other struggles for me personally.  I will always struggle with my trichotillomania, but more so when I have an obstacle like being 9 months pregnant.  I was doing pretty great, but being stuck at home with my anxiety sky high is taking it's toll.  I'm going to cut my hair again tonight.  I would rather cut it now, and prevent further damage to how thick it is.  It's actually been thicker in the last month than it has been in a very long time.  If I need to make it shorter to hold onto that, so be it.  

The before:
Pregnant with trichotillomania

I feel a little defeated, but I do know that my idle time is about to go out the window.  Which is bittersweet.  I'm going to try to make it work FOR me with my trich rather than against me.  If I cut my hair now, I can't do any pulling before the baby is born.  I also won't have much time to do any after she's born.  I'm hoping that this awkward phase that I'm in right now with my hair and my pulling will hit when she's a few weeks old, and it won't (or rather, can't) be my focus.. Maybe I can get over this "bump" that I seem to hit at this length.  

The after:
Shaved head

All I can say is I wish I had bought the clippers sooner!  It's nice to be able to just take care of it rather than stew in my disappointment and I really do feel some relief when I cut it.  I feel pretty blessed that I can pull short hair off well.   To spin this around even more to a positive, at least I don't need to worry about fixing my hair for photos of me with Halle! 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

36 weeks pregnant with Halle

36 week bump

36 weeks and 4 days! We could have a baby any time..   

My appointment this week was Friday afternoon.  I had to have the group B strep test this week, yuck.  Let's just say you have to take your pants off for it.  They wanted to check my cervix too, but I'm refusing any cervical checks until I'm in labor..  The one I had at 39 weeks with Dawson was nothing short of awful and I'm not replaying that scene if I can help it!  Although, ask me again next week and my tune might change.   Doctor wanted to go ahead and schedule induction in case she doesn't come on her own before 39 weeks because of the gestational diabetes, so August 19th it is.  I'm hoping she comes on her own though.   Otherwise, my blood sugar numbers still looked pretty good so I just keep on doing what I'm doing.  

Last Sunday I started having a lot of cramping and my back was killing me.  I was figuring it was from riding in the car on Saturday so much.  Monday night things got a little more serious.  I had the cramping still, and the back ache, accompanied by contractions that were about 7-9 minutes apart and painful, but definitely not labor.  Prodromal labor.  Labor purgatory.  I had this for about 5-6 days with Dawson before it turned into the real deal, but it can also go on for weeks.  A shower or bath usually slows or stops it, but I can't spend all day in the shower or my tub!  Prodromal labor is exhausting.. and frustrating.  I still wonder if it's why Dawson was born so quickly after active labor started though, and if it is.. I'll go ahead and take it.  

Dawson and I had a rough week, really rough.  He's feeling the stress I guess.  I'm trying to be patient and give him more of my attention because I really think he's acting out because he knows things are changing.  It breaks my heart when he shows some of these behaviors though- they just really are not like him and it makes me wonder how he's feeling.  Bring on the mom guilt. 

How far along? 36 weeks 4 days pregnant.. Baby is the size of a honeydew melon! 

Weight gain?  According to the scale at the doctor's office, +19 pounds.  

Belly button? Out and looking like something from a sci-fi movie. 

Wedding rings on or off? Off.  

Movement? Much less this week.  She would NOT move during the ultrasound, or breathe.  However, just a little while later she decided to torture me.  My cervix is NOT a dance floor, missy. 

Maternity clothes? Yep.  Had to start wearing nursing bras this week too.  Goody! (That was sarcasm for those of you that missed it..)

Symptoms? Feeling?  Huge?  Super huge? Like a stranger in my own body? Check, check, and check.  Contractions are bugging me.  Crampy all the time.  Back isn't happy.  All sounds like 3rd trimester to me!  My nausea is really bad.  Reflux is pretty awful too, even with meds.  It hurts to walk and I now need assistance getting up off the floor and sometimes out of my chair.  I'm uncomfortable no matter where I'm at. 

Mood? Cranky.  Tired.  Anxious.  Restless and bored a lot.  Been having a lot of racing thoughts.  

Missing? Sleeping in general.  Playing on the floor with Dawson.  Cooking whatever I want, whenever I want.  Exercise.  Waking up feeling good.     

Looking forward to? Getting labor and delivery over with.  

Sleep?  Don't even ask.  Sleep is something I probably won't see much or any of for the next year. 

Exercise? Sure, I think walking to the bathroom and cooking are both exercise at this point.  I do that every day! 

Any cravings? Nothing.  

Food aversions? This list is getting long again.. I don't even know where I would start.  I'm nauseated a lot.  

Until next week! Unless we have a baby by then :) 

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Friday, July 25, 2014

35 weeks pregnant

35 week bump
35 weeks! Less than 28 days until baby girl arrives!  Boy, I look tired.  

Yesterday I had my weekly BPP and appointment.  I had a different doctor than my normal, and like had last woman I saw in the office, I didn't like her.  More on that in a minute. The BPP took almost an hour because stubborn little Halle refused to practice her breathing.. she finally did it, but it took her a while.  Everything else looked good though, and she's head down, way down.  

They did check her kidneys, and one is not dilated at all.  The other is borderline abnormal/normal so she will need an ultrasound probably within her first month of life.  This wasn't the news we were hoping for, but we will just take it as it comes.  They didn't say much about her brain, but I couldn't see the cysts anymore during the ultrasound so I'm going to go with they are gone.  That really doesn't mean much though.  We will know more when she is born.  

My meds stayed the same this week, but the doctor I saw kind of knit picked some of my higher readings.  They look about the same (or maybe even a little better) than they were last week when my doctor wasn't concerned at all.  After I told her I was having trouble walking at all, she asked me to increase my activity level and take a 30 minute walk outside daily.  Uh, no.  I don't think so.  I'm in tears just going to the bathroom and also do you know how warm it feels to be this pregnant out in the heat? No way.  She also wanted me to get up in the middle of the night to have a snack because although my fasting numbers look good, they could be even better!  I have reflux.  I would have to wait 4 hours to go back to bed.  No.  She put me on a different medication for the reflux, we will see if it works, but I'm still not getting up to have a snack.  I also refused the Tdap shot and she wasn't thrilled about that.  It's a personal choice.  

Big family BBQ is tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone!  Hopefully I'm not too grumpy/hot/miserable.  

How far along? 35 weeks 3 days pregnant.. Baby is the size of a coconut! 

Weight gain? Gained another pound, according to the doctor's scale and mine.  So +17 pounds. 

Belly button? Out, but shaped different than last week.  Probably because Halle is in a different position. 

Wedding rings on or off? Off.  

Movement? Less frequent the last few days, but when she does decide to move it makes me want to cry it hurts so bad.  Lots of hiccups this week.  

Maternity clothes? I'm too big for even most of my maternity clothes.  Kind of getting ridiculous.  Even my super stretchy yoga pants cut in down low and really piss Halle off.  Trying to wear as many over the bump things or dresses as possible.  

Symptoms? Feeling?  I can't even begin to describe the pelvic pressure.  I'm walking with my knees together because it's like with each step someone is putting a steak knife through my cervix.  Pretty swollen.  I noticed my face is kind of yellow and discolored too.  If I look at my last bump picture with Dawson, had the same thing going on.  Very weird, must be hormonal.  I have an upset stomach a lot and glucerna shakes have become my friend so I don't have to force feed myself.  My nose is awful, I give up.  

Mood? Cranky and frustrated.  I'm not ready to be this restricted.  I feel like I'm doing a whole lot of nothing and there are still things I would like to do.  I'm feeling really attached to Dawson lately, trying to soak up the sweet moments.  It's hard to believe soon it will never be just the 3 of us, it will be 4.  My anxiety is totally out of control, but I had a therapy appointment this week and she talked me down.  Now I just need to keep reminding myself of the conclusions we were drawing when I feel it creeping on me.  

Missing? Sleeping in general.  Playing on the floor with Dawson.  Cooking whatever I want, whenever I want.  Exercise.  Waking up feeling good.     

Looking forward to? Having an outside baby.  Moving on to the next chapter.  Not checking my blood sugar or worrying about it.  

Sleep?  Don't even ask.  Just... Don't.  

Exercise? No, no, no.  

Any cravings? Donuts, cake, and milkshakes.  Oh, and sushi.  

Food aversions? This list is getting long again.. I don't even know where I would start.  

Until next week! 

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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Momnesia, it's real.

Momnesia.  I'm just realizing how much of that I had after giving birth to Dawson.  It's a real thing, people.  And it's officially worn off for me.

I'm just a few weeks away from giving birth to my second baby, and everything has begun to flood my memory again.  The "it wasn't THAT bad" has turned into "what the hell am I thinking?" 
Dawson, just a few moments old
I had a pretty picture perfect birth with Dawson.  Labor was short, I pushed for 45 minutes and while I tore, the tear wasn't what hurt really.  His shoulders got stuck momentarily, but no harm done there.  Otherwise, pretty text book.   

But all I can seem to remember now are the things that didn't go well.  It took a whole IV team to get an IV in, and they acted like I was being a big fat baby about it.  They couldn't get blood out of it.  My contractions had no lull.. On the monitor it looked like I was having a continuous contraction. I had more than one epidural, and the one I ended up with didn't work right either and they took it away less than an hour later- I felt everything while Dawson came down and out.  I felt when the nurse put the catheter in (ouch..).  The position I pushed in exhausted me quickly (I had a sheet wrapped around the birthing bar, I pulled myself against it with each push.)  The threat of forceps or the vacuum at 35 minutes pushing.  The horrific amount of blood.  The IV still in my arm, 12 hours after birth (I HATE having an IV.. Just seeing one makes me light headed.). The lack of help from the nurses and ALMOST giving me pain medication I am allergic to.  Not being able to walk the next day, or for several days really, and no one understanding, especially the nurses and doctors.   Being pushed and prodded in my bed every couple of hours after birth.  The nausea.  Breast feeding going AWFUL.  The ER visit for low blood sugar (Dawson) just hours after we were discharged.  The lady at Babies R Us asking me 4 days after he was born when I was due.  The dirty looks as I used the motorized cart at Target to go get formula. 

Momnesia. It took all of that away.  Now? It's crystal clear.  I want to forget again!  I feel more afraid to have this baby than I felt when pregnant with Dawson.  It's clearly too late now! The next few weeks are going to be like torture.  I want to get it all over with desperately, but I want her to continue to bake too because I know it will be better (for her) if she comes closer to her due date.  Obviously I know this will all be worth it, and I know it could have been so much worse.  

I wonder if all second time moms (or third, fourth, fifth...) have this same momnesia where they go "oh crap, not again.." or if it is just me and my anxiety? 

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Friday, July 18, 2014

34 weeks, 5 weeks at most to go!

34 weeks34 week baby bump
34 weeks! I wish that 4 was an 8! Pardon the sleepy look, I just got up.  

Wednesday I had a growth scan and what they call a biophysical profile (or a BPP). The BPP is just checking on a few different things.. The placenta, her movements, breathing, fluid levels, etc.  The growth scan is obviously a few more measurements.  I'll have BPP's weekly now.  She was butt down, passed her BPP with flying colors, and is about 4 lbs 14 oz.  She has fallen from 44th percentile to 35th, but the doctor wasn't worried about that.  

My medication at night was increased last week and now this week my medication for the day has also been increased.  However, I'm still really far from the max dosage and even if we have to continue to increase it, I shouldn't have to go on insulin.  Doctor says I'm fairly well controlled blood sugar and growth wise, but he would like to see me eating more.  I'm guessing probably because the one pound I gained over 3 weeks, Halle actually gained.  She's sucking everything out of me! 

How far along? 34 weeks 3 days pregnant.. Baby is the size of a butternut squash! 

Weight gain? Gained another pound, according to the doctor's scale and mine.  So +16 pounds. 

Belly button? It's as out as Ellen Degeneres.  There's no denying it. 

Wedding rings on or off? Off.  I took my necklace off too.  It just kept choking me at night and making me mad. 

Movement? Yeah.. A lot of that.  It's really getting painful now instead of fun to watch.  She's very... forceful, I guess would be a good word.  

Maternity clothes? You betcha.  I feel like boycotting pants/shorts altogether but with ultrasounds weekly, or every other week, I have to put them on sometimes.  I got a couple of dresses that I can go braless in at Forever 21.  That's going to be like heaven.  There should be a rule somewhere that its okay for pregnant ladies 30+ weeks to not wear pants or bras.  It's like it's own form of torture.  

Symptoms? Feeling? Extreme pelvic pressure, even more than last week.  Getting up from my chair I feel like I'm sitting on her head, although I guess it could also be her butt.  Even the doctor said he would have bet money that was her head lodged down in my pelvis.  Never had that feeling with Dawson, but he was much higher I think.  Still swollen, still don't recognize my body in a mirror.  I have an upset stomach more often than not again.  I'm always too hot all of a sudden (I was like that with Dawson.. Ask Joe about driving with the windows down in the car in February! Ha!) My nose is getting worse again, I don't know what to do about that.  

Mood? Cranky and totally done being pregnant.  I'm a bit ashamed to admit there have been tears this week over aches and pains and just wanting to be done.  5 more weeks sounds.. Well, horrible.  Trying to just take things one day at a time but struggling.  I feel really couped up because I can't take Dawson anywhere by myself- helping him go potty in public isn't do-able anymore.   

Missing? Sleeping on my back.  Not getting winded just from walking from point A to point B.  Getting out of the house.  RUNNING!  Exercise in general.  Junk food.    

Looking forward to? Being done.  I'm not looking forward to giving birth, but I'm looking forward to pregnancy being O-V-E-R.  I'm a whiner, I know.  

Sleep?  This isn't even funny this week.  Takes me 2-4 hours of tossing and turning to go to sleep & then I sleep fitfully for 3-4 hours before I'm up again.  I'm exhausted.  And yaaaayyyy it will get worse when she's here! But at least I'll be able to sleep on my back.. Maybe with a baby on me, but I'll take what I can get. 

Exercise? We took a 45 minute walk as a family on Sunday evening, just to get Dawson out of the house & me too. It's been pretty warm and I overheat easily so it's hard to get out, but we had kind of a stormy day.   I walked a lot at the mall yesterday too.  Going up the stairs is exercise at this point, sadly. 

Any cravings? Donuts.. Still.  Cake.  Peach or blueberry cobbler.  Watermelon.  

Food aversions? Fried foods still.  Chicken, unless it's breaded and baked.  Sausage.  Eggs.  Vegetables except cucumber.  Water.. Ugh, so tired of water.  

Until next week! 

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Monday, July 14, 2014

Baked Bean and Beef Burritos

I've had to experiment a lot lately with what will and won't spike my blood sugar (theory is still out on most foods, or whether I even have control over it at all) and I found a combo that seems to work for dinner.  Baked bean and beef burritos.  Easy, super fast to throw together, and customizable :) I didn't get a great picture.. I got them out of the oven, cut, and Dawson was hot on my heels!

Baked Mexican dish
This recipe serves 4 people.  Reheats or freezes very well! 

Baked Bean and Beef Burritos


15 oz can of refried beans 
1/2 cup salsa of your choice
2 cups shredded Mexican blend cheese
4 burrito size tortillas
1 lb ground beef
1 taco seasoning envelope
Sour cream, guacamole, lettuce, etc for topping (optional)
Pam cooking spray

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brown the ground beef and prepare taco meat according to envelope instructions.  Meanwhile, mix the refried beans and salsa together in a small bowl.  Spray a 7 inch by 11 inch glass pan with cooking spray.  

Spread in the center of each tortilla: 1/4 of the refried bean mixture, 1/4 lb of meat, and 1/2 cup of cheese.  Roll up and place seam side down in your glass pan.  You will probably have to squish the last one in, they are supposed to be like that so no worries!  

Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until tops are slightly crispy and they are heated through.  Serve with toppings of choice and enjoy! 

You can always cook longer if you would like them crispier.  Also, dividing up the filling isn't an exact science.  I always make one burrito with less filling for Dawson.  My favorite part of this is I almost always have everything to make it, and it only takes me about 35 minutes to put together and have on the table. 

 Baked bean and beef burritos also makes much less of a mess than buffet style tacos, so clean up is easy as well!

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

33 weeks pregnant with little miss Halle!

Baby bumpBaby bump

33 weeks, because I completely skipped 32.  
Between the holiday (Happy late Independence Day!) and feeling overwhelmed with all my appointments, I took a bit of a break.  I've been trying to just enjoy family and focus on where I'm at NOW because my coping skills, quite frankly, suck.  I needed some distraction.   

The first 3 to 4 days I was on my new meds for my gestational diabetes they worked beautifully.  My numbers were about 20-30 points lower and I was able to loosen up on how much of everything I was eating.  I also didn't have to write everything down which helped a lot.  However, by the time my appointment on the 3rd rolled around, my numbers were climbing again.  Most of the time it starts with my fasting number first thing in the morning and if that's bad, the whole day is almost impossible to get under control even with the medication.  I'm calling this morning per my instructions from the doctor I saw on the 3rd (who I hated, that's for another day..) and I'm guessing they will up my dose in the evenings.  Makes me a bit nervous because I have had some lows the last week that are equally hard to get under control.  

We had a 3D/4D ultrasound of Halle a little over a week ago and that was really awesome.  She looks so much like her big brother.  I can't wait to see the two of them together.  I wonder if she will have curls like Dawson and me.  She is an active little thing.. I had her growth scan on a Friday and she was head down then, head up on Monday for the 3D and by Thursday she was head down again!  Crazy girl. 

Here's a couple of pics we got from the 3D! 

3d ultrasound pic33 weeks 3d ultrasound

How far along? 33 weeks pregnant.. Baby is the size of a durian!  Whatever that is.  Go home, thebump.com, you're drunk! 

Weight gain? Still sitting at +15 lbs according to the doctor's office.  My doctor wants to see me gaining some, but according to my scale I am losing.. Mine says +12. 

Belly button? The top is poking out pretty good, depending on her position.  

Wedding rings on or off? Off.  Dawson is fascinated and slightly bothered by the fact that I have my rings on a necklace.  

Movement? She moves all the time.. Now she gets the hiccups several times a day as well, which does not seem to make her happy! 

Maternity clothes? Oh yes.  This week I'm down to one dress and one pair of shorts, seeing as how that dress in the picture won't be worn after today.  I apparently got too big for my other shorts because I ripped them both trying to get them up.  Awesome.  Total self esteem booster.  The other dress isn't going to fit for much longer either so I'm going to have to figure something else out.  

Symptoms? Feeling? Extreme pelvic pressure.  I think she's dropped down a bit.  Swollen from the waist down and that's a little odd to look at.  My legs and feet look really big to me, I barely recognize them.  Been more queasy lately, I think from the meds and not being used to eating so much.  I've also been getting head aches pretty often.  My nose is still really messed up so maybe it's from that.  I don't know. 

Mood? Stressed.  And if I'm being honest, I've been feeling sorry for myself.  I'm whiny and tired and cranky.  I feel like I'm on autopilot emotionally. 

Missing? Sleep.  Eating and drinking whenever I want.  Running.  Doing fun things out with Dawson.  

Looking forward to? Can I say having this baby? That's about all at this point.  It's too early, I know.  I can still look forward to it though.  

Sleep?  HA! That's funny.  

Exercise? No, none of that going on.  I walked all day on the 4th at the rodeo/carnival but besides that and maybe grocery shopping, I'm not getting any exercise.  It just makes me feel like crap.  

Any cravings? Donuts.. And fruity drinks.  I would give my right arm for one of each.  Or 10 of each.  

Food aversions? Fried foods.  Anything greasy pretty much.  Vegetables, I'm sick of vegetables.  Eggs and sandwiches.  

Until next week! 

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