Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Trichotillomania, my hair pulling update

Shaved head for trich
(If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter you probably have already seen this!)

I haven't updated in a while on my trichotillomania progress...  Or lack thereof.  Probably because I don't want to.  I write it out and realize I'm in the same place I was 18 months ago and that stings.  I know how easily that 18 months struggling with trichotillomania can turn into 10 years.  I've done that before.

  I haven't been doing well at all curbing my urges and avoiding triggers.  I will say my pulling I've done in the last few months is 90 percent conscious.  I feel like I'm lacking the motivation to stop.  I try not to compare trichotillomania to any other struggle, because it's unique, but I feel like one day pull free is kind of a load of crap.  One day pull free shows no progress, like going to the gym for one day.  You aren't going to see results.  It really takes a lot of self discipline to stop pulling long enough to see progress.  It reminds me so much of trying to lose weight or put on muscle, only you can't relapse and gain 40 pounds back in one day, but you certainly can pull out all your hair in just an afternoon.  

About a week ago I had enough.  I went to Target, bought a set of clippers, and cut everything off.  I have to say that first day it's gone is like this huge relief, a big weight off your shoulders.  A few days later when I'm desperately trying to pull, it hits me.  I let trichotillomania win again.  I wish I could say I don't feel that way, but I do.  I have to go through the painful, hard process of trying to get passed that inbetween grow out stage that is so damn tempting to me.   I have come to the terms with the fact that I will probably never be one of those people that is "pull free" and I'm okay with that. 

I do actually feel like my hair looks better when it's shorter, but it makes me feel like I have to compensate with make up and nail polish to feel more feminine.  Pregnancy is giving me some body image complexes as it is, this was just icing on the cake.  I'm trying very hard to not let my trich take any good feelings I have about myself away.  

Given all this, I have a wonderful support system.  I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband and family.  They back me up no matter the decision I make.  I feel really fortunate for this.  I know there are so many people out there that have families that don't make them feel the best at their worst.  My family, if anything, is the opposite.


I'm hoping this fresh start makes it easier to move forward.  I don't have super high hopes, but I always have the clippers now.  

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  1. My oldest daughter had/has trichotillomania. It was her worse when she was a teenager. There is a fascination in my family with hair. Although I don't seem to have it. 2 of my kiddos do and several grandkiddos to. But so far, only she is the one to ever pull. I've seen the struggle and what it can do. I hope you can get past this stage.

    1. Thanks Bobbi! It was hardest for me as a teen too. My heart goes out to her! Hopefully I can overcome some of this :) thanks for the support!