Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Momnesia, it's real.

Momnesia.  I'm just realizing how much of that I had after giving birth to Dawson.  It's a real thing, people.  And it's officially worn off for me.

I'm just a few weeks away from giving birth to my second baby, and everything has begun to flood my memory again.  The "it wasn't THAT bad" has turned into "what the hell am I thinking?" 
Dawson, just a few moments old
I had a pretty picture perfect birth with Dawson.  Labor was short, I pushed for 45 minutes and while I tore, the tear wasn't what hurt really.  His shoulders got stuck momentarily, but no harm done there.  Otherwise, pretty text book.   

But all I can seem to remember now are the things that didn't go well.  It took a whole IV team to get an IV in, and they acted like I was being a big fat baby about it.  They couldn't get blood out of it.  My contractions had no lull.. On the monitor it looked like I was having a continuous contraction. I had more than one epidural, and the one I ended up with didn't work right either and they took it away less than an hour later- I felt everything while Dawson came down and out.  I felt when the nurse put the catheter in (ouch..).  The position I pushed in exhausted me quickly (I had a sheet wrapped around the birthing bar, I pulled myself against it with each push.)  The threat of forceps or the vacuum at 35 minutes pushing.  The horrific amount of blood.  The IV still in my arm, 12 hours after birth (I HATE having an IV.. Just seeing one makes me light headed.). The lack of help from the nurses and ALMOST giving me pain medication I am allergic to.  Not being able to walk the next day, or for several days really, and no one understanding, especially the nurses and doctors.   Being pushed and prodded in my bed every couple of hours after birth.  The nausea.  Breast feeding going AWFUL.  The ER visit for low blood sugar (Dawson) just hours after we were discharged.  The lady at Babies R Us asking me 4 days after he was born when I was due.  The dirty looks as I used the motorized cart at Target to go get formula. 

Momnesia. It took all of that away.  Now? It's crystal clear.  I want to forget again!  I feel more afraid to have this baby than I felt when pregnant with Dawson.  It's clearly too late now! The next few weeks are going to be like torture.  I want to get it all over with desperately, but I want her to continue to bake too because I know it will be better (for her) if she comes closer to her due date.  Obviously I know this will all be worth it, and I know it could have been so much worse.  

I wonder if all second time moms (or third, fourth, fifth...) have this same momnesia where they go "oh crap, not again.." or if it is just me and my anxiety? 

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