Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Trichotillomania denial

I find that I go through these sort of phases where I feel in complete denial of the fact that I have trichotillomania.  It's not that I don't acknowledge that I do indeed have it, it's more of "it's always been this way and always will and who cares?"  It's the denial that I care.

It's very easy for me to get into this rut where I feel like my actions don't matter.  It looks like crap, so pulling 60 more hairs won't matter.  I convince myself that it doesn't matter if I stop, it still won't look good.  It's really a challenging cycle for me to get out of.  I don't know if this is something everyone with trichotillomania battles or not.  When I sort of "snap out" of that mindset I get angry with myself.  I start thinking things like "if you had been more mindful, your hair would have been much thicker" and while it's true, it's not really productive.  

Negative thinking has always been something I do.  I find it so so hard to be mindful of that.  It creates anxiety, makes me focus on the bad in my life, and in general leaves me feeling down.  Today is a good example.. I had 5 days where I managed to pull less than 10 hairs.  That probably doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment, but I would say for the last several months 5 out of 7 days of the week, I pull 100-300 a day, easily.  Today I pulled again, more than 10, closer to 100-200 I'm guessing.  I started feeling annoyed with myself, and then it spilled over into the rest of my day.  I didn't get dressed today, all I got done was dishes and made Dawson and I meals.  Then I thought about other things that aren't going the way I want them to.  I gave myself a major case of the blahs.  

But you know what? I'm turning that around right now.  I can still do better tonight and tomorrow.  I might not have gotten anything done today except realize I do care. I spent a day with my adorable yet cranky 3 year old.  My dishes are washed.  The day isn't over, and I can still squeeze in a load of laundry.  And hey, I did some self reflecting that may help me in my hair pulling struggle tomorrow.  

So the whole day isn't shot after all.  :) 

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