It's the Christmas season again!

I'm so excited for this Christmas.  Saturday night we decorated the Christmas tree, listened to Christmas music and drank egg nog.. Or wine, in my case- egg nog for the boys :) it was the most enjoyable family moment we've had in a while.  It was refreshing to just tuck away everything we've been going through and enjoy each other's company.  

I took advantage of double cash back on Ebates and bought a bunch of the kids Christmas presents.  Feels good to at least be started.  I don't know what I would do without online shopping.  If you haven't checked out Ebates, you should.  

Dawson started preschool 2 days a week, about a month ago.  He's really really enjoying it.  I was worried he might throw a fit when I dropped him off but it's the opposite.. It's when I pick him up! His teacher is wonderful and he's making friends at school.  It's awesome to see him be able to socialize more.  It's also helping tremendously with his behavior.  We are still struggling with fits, time outs, and defiance but it's a work in progress.  He gets very excited easily and then his behavior is off the charts awful.  He's growing so fast, I'm pretty sure he was ready for preschool a long time ago but I wasn't.  

Halle is still doing about the same.  We just did a series of stool tests and some blood tests.  Her blood tests came back inconclusive so we are repeating them in about another week.  I should hear about stool tests tomorrow.  Her EKG is finally scheduled for December 9th.. It's been rough to get an appointment that will work.  She goes back to the pediatric GI on December 18th, and I need to schedule her 4 month appointment (say what?! How is she almost 4 months already?!)

I'm working to find a new psychiatrist.. No such luck yet.  I'm back on my 100mg of zoloft but I'm still supplementing with Ativan at night and I just don't feel quite right.  I'm guessing I need some things tweaked.  I'm also on the hunt for a new therapist.. I was hoping to go back to one I used to see a few years ago but her schedule is full.  I feel overwhelmed with Halle's stuff so it's been hard to focus on what I need to do for myself.  I still need to go for my 2 hour glucose test too.  I'm trying to do it all.

We had family photos taken last weekend and unfortunately their prices were so outrageous (and not as advertised at all) that we only got a few photos.  My mom and I are taking the kids to get their picture taken at a cheaper rate so we can have more of the two of them at least.  

Despite all of Halle's problems, she's developing a sweet little personality when her stomach isn't killing her.  She loves to be talked to, chew on her hands, and she likes silly sounds too.  Morning time is usually her happiest time and we get lots of smiles then.  The rest of the day usually kind of goes downhill but it's more than we ever got with Dawson at this age so I'll take it! I thought she would be fascinated with the Christmas tree but thus far she hasn't seemed to even notice it! 

I'm still alive, I promise!

This was written on 10/24 and I was just able to post it.. Goes to show how little time I have! 

Life with a 3.5 year old and a newborn is rough.  Life with a newborn that has allergies and feeding issues is even more rough.  Thank god for family.. Or I would not be surviving this!

I haven't shared simply because I haven't had time!  Halle was about 10 days old when I decided breastfeeding was not for me.  My body wasn't loving it (in fact, quite the opposite) and neither was my mind.  I was falling down the rabbit hole again.  I promised myself I wouldn't even consider exclusively pumping, so we moved on to formula.  Instant relief.. at least at first. 

After about 10 days on the formula (gerber good start gentle) Halle started vomiting and getting so gassy that she would just scream all day. We were already having issues with her taking to a bottle, so this was a double whammy.  She had an ultrasound performed to rule out pyloric stenosis.. she did not have pyloric stenosis, but she was constipatednd bloated.  We started using suppositories to see if that was the problem.  No dice.  

We switched to soy formula and the doctor decided we should do an upper GI.  After a lot of scheduling headaches and still vomiting and now a rash covering her chest and face, we got it done.  The radiologist confirmed my fears... Halle has reflux.  This means when she's drinking, or laying down, or has pressure on her belly, she regurgitates her formula.  It hurts her.  Dawson was also a reflux baby and my heart was instantly broken to know we had to go through this again and that she was in pain.  Thankfully, the doctors are more proactive this time.  After a little over 2 weeks on soy formula and doing poorly, they had us switch to nutramigen, a hypoallergenic formula, and Zantac twice daily.  We got a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist.  

By the time we got to see the pediatric GI doctor, it was clear to me that the nutramigen was helping but not solving the problem.  The doctor agreed, after testing her poopy diaper for blood.  It was positive.  We started an amino acid formula called Neocate.  It was so thin, she couldn't keep it down. We've now been on a different amino acid formula called Elecare for a couple of days and she is still vomiting a lot.  Halle has allergic colitis.  

In the midst of all of this, one of her doctors found a heart murmur.  We have a referral to get an EKG done now.  Also, she's seeing a therapist for feeding issues.  She doesn't suck properly and several doctors have commented that she feeds like a premie- like the instinct isn't there yet.  It's getting better, but as a result she swallows a lot of air while eating.  We also have a swallow study scheduled for November 13th to make sure she's not aspirating any of her formula because she wheezes and sounds like she needs to clear her throat after she eats or spits up. 

I kind of feel like I spend more time at one doctor's office or another or the hospital rather than at home.  I imagined when we switched to formula that I would be on my feet and at least doing basic chores around the house.  It's all I can do to keep the kids fed and get a shower each day (or every couple of days if I'm being honest). 

 Thankfully I have had a lot of help from my mom.  I know it's hard on her and my dad for her to spend so much time here but it really is my saving grace.  I know if I leave my kids with her, they are taken care of.  I can go to doctor appointments and focus on what they are saying, and not what Dawson is getting into.  I get out of the house so my depression doesn't worsen.  I would be in a much different place mentally if not for her.  

So I apologize but posts may be few and far between for a while!  I will certainly try to write and share pictures if given the time.  Dawson starts preschool next week and maybe that will help! 

18 week pregnancy update

How far along? 18 weeks 5 days.. Baby is the size of an sweet potato!    

Weight gain? I actually have no idea.  I haven't weighed myself this week.. Again.  I'm sort of afraid to see it, preparing myself for massive weight gain. 

Belly button? Starting to look more flat and stretched.  It never popped out with Dawson so I'm pretty sure it will just become flat by summertime.  

Wedding rings on or off? Still on but I really need to hunt for my necklace..  

Movement? Oh yes.  Little girl or guy is just a wiggling away, a LOT usually late morning & late afternoon.   Been feeling him or her much more lately.  He or she seems to be enjoying having a dance party on my cervix.. Awesome. 

Maternity clothes? Yes, yes, yes! 

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea is only hitting me on some days now, but when it does it lingers all day. I've put not only my promethazine to good use this week, but also my zofran.  Booooo.  I'm getting a little pickier about food again.. Be nice to just be able to eat whatever.  My ribs are still killing me, and it really really need to find a chiropractor that our insurance will cover this week.  I know this feeling will only get worse. My legs are also going to sleep at the drop of a hat when I sit funny.   Braxton hicks contractions hit me every single day or night now.. I'll be asking about it at my next appointment.   My nose is stuffy but im never sure if that's just my allergies or not. 

Mood? Feeling pretty good still.  I have been having days where I'm just irritable and no one can say or do anything right.. Except I know it's just me.  I'm still nesting like crazy, I am purging the houses fall kinds of crap I don't need or want.  

Missing? Alcohol.. My god, I miss it.  I am not a big drinker, really, but when the sun comes out a beer with dinner just sounds amazing.  Virgin drinks are just not the same.  Alcohol sounded so gross with Dawson.. But now I'm just wondering if that's because if was a totally different time of year.  

Looking forward to? The anatomy scan! Set for April 8th! Just a little over a week away now! I'm also looking forward to getting the nursery put together! 

Sleep? Having a lot of bad nights.  If I'm asleep, I'm having weird dreams.  I've been awake way, way too much at night though.  My nose is the biggest interference.  

Exercise? Nothing too fancy this week.  We went to the park with Kirsten and Ayla.. That was a lot of dodging running kids and keeping tabs on our kids.  Otherwise, just doing at home things is exercise at this point.  

Any cravings? Sushi, donuts, bottled water (with a sports bottle top ONLY), still smoothies for breakfast, maple cream top yogurt.. That's about it. 

Food aversions? Steak. Bacon.  Grilled chicken.  Yuck. 

I'm doing okay this week.  I've had some pretty awful days filled with nausea again but not as bad as it was.  Dawson has done really well with potty training this week and we had our first outing with big boy underwear and that went well.  My patience was wearing thin so I'm glad that we are finally somewhat on top of it.  I'm bracing myself for laundry though, because tonight he goes to bed with no diaper for the first time.  He is too reliant on a diaper at night, Joe and I both agreed as crappy as it might be (no pun intended) going diaper free is what we need to do. 

My motivation to get the house ready for this baby has gone into overdrive. It's just hit me in the last week that we will be bringing a BABY home.  This is for real.  The newborn days with Dawson were honestly one of the darkest times in my life.  I did not enjoy having a squishy itty bitty baby.  I felt completely out of control of any and every situation at that time.  I still feel that way at times now but it's infrequent.  Months of feeling like every outing was a disaster, every night meant no sleep and lots of crying, and being nothing but a milk machine to a baby was very hard.  Now of course I look at him and see how wonderful he is, even at moments that he's driving me crazy.  I'm hoping having the regular reminder that he might have been difficult, but he's better now and we share a bond that no one else knows, will help me cope with having a newborn again.. and better this time.  

Only a little over a week until we find out what this baby is!  Hopefully it will help Joe and I both bond with the baby more.  

17 weeks (and some change) pregnancy update!

How far along? 17 weeks 5 days.. Baby is the size of an onion!   

Weight gain? I actually have no idea.  I haven't weighed myself this week.  

Belly button? Starting to look really flat and stretched. 

Wedding rings on or off? Still on but I'll be searching for my necklace this week.. It's getting snug. 

Movement? Oh yes.  Little girl or guy is just a wiggling away, a LOT usually late morning & late afternoon. 

Maternity clothes? Yes! 

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea every morning still but it's manageable.  I just have to make sure I take my meds at night or I regret it.  I tried to go without a couple of days and I was back to throwing up in the shower.  I've had more nausea that strikes out of the blue lately & then goes away.  Evenings have been spent in my chair with a tall glass of whatever I can stomach because Braxton hicks have kicked up pretty bad.  Rib pain.. Uuuugh the rib pain. 

Mood? Feeling a lot better emotionally.  I'm nesting like crazy and I don't have a ton of energy for it, so that's kind of driving me crazy, but over all I feel mostly level headed.  Oh, except my road rage.  It's gotten worse in the last couple of weeks.  I still drive safely obviously but my frustration level with people that drive slow, or are in my way, or just being what I think is stupid at the moment kind of sets me off. 

Missing? Exercise and alcoholic drinks.  This totally gives me a mental picture of me on the treadmill with a beer.  Haha! 

Looking forward to? The anatomy scan! Set for April 8th! 

Sleep? Having a lot of bad nights.  More than once this last week I have been up until 2:30am or later, just wide awake.  Also having trouble getting comfortable in bed to sleep with my ribs hurting and my lower back bothering me.  Might be time to go see a chiropractor. 

Exercise? Nothing too fancy.  I am out of breath at the drop of a hat so mostly slow walks in the mall or outside with Dawson.  We walked the zoo today and Joe teased me it was like walking with someone with a walker.  If I get out of breath it's bad news, so I'm playing it safe. 

Any cravings? Salt.  Still salt.. Greek salad still too.  Tzaziki and traditional gyro meat.  I actually had dreams about it this week.  Smoothies have been going down really easy for breakfast too.  I was really hooked on crunchtada tostadas at Del Taco earlier in the week but I have done a 180 on that now. 

Food aversions? Steak. Anything overly sweet.  Mexican food. 

I'm feeling pretty good this week.  I am still tired a lot but I feel so motivated to just do anything and everything this week.  I even went it my parents' house this week and took Dawson.  And I tackled potty training again (it's a work in progress) and Dawson is doing pretty well with it. Oh! I cooked this week TWICE too! Dawson ate like a pig, and it made me feel good.  He misses mama's cooking too.

My house is still kind of a disaster, although my mom did come this week and weed my front flower beds and fold laundry, clean my kitchen, and vacuum!  She is a lifesaver.  She also entertained Dawson all day Saturday so Joe and I could go to the bank to fill out some applications, and have a day to just be Joe and Katie and not Mommy and Daddy.  It was nice.  We even went and saw a movie! I had never been to a Cinetopia and I seriously don't know why we haven't spent the extra money to go there before.  I'll probably never go to a regular movie theater again.  It was glorious! 

That's all for this week :)  

Knowing you are done, before you are there

After how rough this pregnancy has been with the hyperemesis gravidarum, Joe and I have decided we will not have any more children.  This was not a hard decision, with the events of the last 3+ months.   We knew we wanted at least 2 children before I got pregnant this time, but we were undecided on whether we would have 3.   The stress on our family has been enormous.

I have decided that I cannot be pregnant again.  My pregnancy with Dawson was not easy. I did have some issues, including some nausea and vomiting but I feel now that it was very easy in comparison.  I can honestly (and with a lot of guilt) say that I haven't enjoyed being pregnant this time.  I have been so sick, I live in fear of being sick all the time.  I miss beer and wine and forbidden foods.  I miss not worrying about my fluid intake.  I know logically that it's all for this baby, that I very much want, but I still feel resentful at times.  That's hard to admit.  It's also hard to admit that even with that beautiful prize at the end, I am not willing to go through this again, no matter what.   

I am okay with this decision.. most days.  Other days (especially if I am having a vomit free day) I feel a pang of sadness when I see other moms with more than 2.  In that moment it hits me- this is it.  Those parts of pregnancy I do enjoy (hello, basketball belly and baby kicks!) are here now and I keep thinking "this is going to be over too fast, and I will never get to experience these things again" and it brings an overwhelming sadness.  

I know that the decision to be done is what's right for me and my family but knowing we are done before we truly are, is so hard to swallow.   I can only pray that when this baby is finally here, I will feel more than 95 percent at peace with the decision.  

12 week pregnancy update

How far along? 12 weeks 3 days.. Baby is the size of a plum.  (Clearly it doesn't matter to my body how big or small that babe is! Ha!)

Weight gain? The scale at the doctor's office yesterday said I am down 12 lbs but if I go by ours, it still says 16 lbs. 

Belly button? Still looks normal :) 

Wedding rings on or off? Still on and still loose

Movement? Nothing yet, too early.  I wish I could feel something! 

Maternity clothes? Pants, yes.  Some shirts too! I wore the full panel jeans with Dawson but they are so uncomfortable to me this time.  I bought some side panel jeans and I'm in love.  I also got a couple of t shirts, one in the picture above.  I feel cute again instead of frumpy. 

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea and vomiting still going on.  I ended up back in the ER Monday night because I couldn't keep anything down.  That was awful.  I could easily pass for a drug addict between my gray complexion and all the needle pokes & bruises.  It's reached a whole new level, now when I exert myself at all I throw up and get really dizzy.  Even taking a shower is tough.  I also can no longer swallow pills. 

Mood? Feeling really down.  Probably doesn't help that I haven't been able to take my antidepressant.  

Missing? Normalcy.  Ease of getting out of the house.  Socializing.  

Looking forward to? My appointment Tuesday with the high risk OB to come up with a treatment other than zofran, Reglan, and promethegan.  I'm hoping for good news and other possibilities. 

Sleep? I have been anxious this week, feeling like a burden on my family and not the best mother or wife.  Sleep has been tough sometimes as a result.  

Exercise? No.  Just no.  Exercise = lose my breath super easily and uncontrollable gagging.  (I have a feeling this won't change anytime soon..) I did take a walk in the mall with mom and Dawson. 

Any cravings? No cravings.  I've eaten chicken sandwiches from Burger King recently.. Crunchy and salty.  Last night I was able to hold down Greek yogurt with almonds and high protein granola.  I can barely choke down decaf iced tea anymore so I have moved on to orange soda.  

Food aversions? Everything.  No joke.  Even the things I can choke down sound awful 24/7.  (I'm super hopeful this answer will change soon!!) 

It's been a rough week.. My pharmacy is not helping.  They don't seem to carry my zofran regularly and so 9 times out of 10 I go to get it filled and it takes them DAYS.. Which, when I'm only getting 10 at a time, is just not doable.  Every time I lapse on the zofran I end up in big big trouble.  My mom is actually out right now switching my prescription to another pharmacy because I have had so much trouble.  Hopefully Tuesday I will have either a new prescription for more than 10 or a prescription for something else entirely. 

My husband and my mom have been.. I just can't even say how wonderful.  Joe has taken over taking care of Dawson and he runs to get me whatever I need whenever I need it, with ZERO complaints.  He's amazing.  My mom packs her bag at the drop of a hat to come to me to help.  I can't say how thankful I am for my family right now.  This is all very hard but without them I'm not sure I could do it at all.  I love you guys! 

Pregnancy sucks.

And it's awesome all at the same time.  This week though, it sucks.  There, I said it.

Thursday morning sickness hit me like a truck.  I managed to eat throughout the day and drink some Gatorade.   Zofran (anti nausea medication) is a complete joke this time around.  

Friday morning I took a tumble down our stairs.  I'm okay, but pregnancy sure did throw a wrench in the healing process.  I called my midwife's office and they told me to go to urgent care or my primary care provider.  I was a little panicked so I called Dawson's doctor's office (he goes to a family practice) and asked if they could see me on short notice.  They did, but they weren't so helpful.  They told me to take Tylenol, ice it, and stretch.  

I managed through the weekend with Joe's help.  Did I mention this is all at the tail end of Joe having the flu for 4 days? Yeah.  Poor guy goes from that to his wife throwing up, not cooking, and falling down the stairs and calling him all emergency style at his work.  

Monday I was still not doing well.  I was in a lot of pain (understatement of the century) so I called my midwife's office again and this time they sent me to the ER because the nurse was fairly certain with all the throwing up and struggling to drink, I probably would need fluids as well as something for the pain. Awesome! Monday night was spent in the ER.  Many of you who know me know that I HATE having an IV with a passion.  A couple of years ago my anxiety would have kept me at home denying the fact that I needed anything.  I did it though.  I felt like this was a pretty big accomplishment for me, as silly as that sounds.  

Tomorrow is my intake appointment (a class on dos and don'ts) and blood work at my midwife's office.. Even though I was just there yesterday.   Joe is going with me.  Then my next appointment will be on the 23rd, when we get to see baby for the first time.. I also have anxiety about that, but that's another post.  I'm not going to lie, I am not looking forward to tomorrow.   I don't like having blood taken, although I do survive each time.  I am one of those people that struggles to not pass out afterwards and during. The first blood draw for pregnancy just flat sucks.  They take quite a bit of blood.  I'm trying not to psych myself out about it.  Joe will be there to hold my hand and it will be over semi quickly.  

I'm still pretty sore almost a week after my fall, but I am learning to work around things.  I just can't do everything right now.   I feel like this is early training for what it will be like when I'm much larger and having to take care of Dawson.  I'm learning to get creative :) help from Grandma K sure does help too! 

There's the update :) 

I have debated sharing this..

I even asked friends what I should do.  A good friend told me to always always do what is best for me.

I'm pregnant.  I found out last week, so it is very very early.  I am excited, and a little bit scared if I am being honest here.

I kept my pregnancy with Dawson a secret for 8+ weeks, until after I had my first OB appointment.  While I can understand why people choose not to tell until after the first trimester, I decided that isn't what is best for me.  If something were to happen, this would be my outlet.  I would need an outpouring of support.

I talked with my therapist about not telling, and she said in a sense I am isolating myself.  I also feel like I am not able to work through some of the conflicting emotions I will inevitably have if I keep this a secret.  For me, it is stressful.  It feels eerily similar to the stress and anxiety I felt about keeping my trichotillomania a secret.  Obviously not the same things, but the feeling of anxiety was drowning me. 

I know if I miscarry I will have to share that bad news.  My hope is that if that does happen, sharing here can be healing for me.  

Obviously I am still on my antidepressant and I plan to continue that through my pregnancy to try to prevent a reoccurence of my postpartum depression.  The risks of going off of it are too much.  

So far I feel pretty okay.. A few occurrences of nausea and dizziness and I am very, very tired but otherwise I can't complain.  I will say the bloating has kicked in much quicker this time around, and not many of my clothes are comfortable.  That's all I have for now! 

Grandma visits are awesome

Yesterday my sister, mom and I went on our annual holiday bazaar trip.  Dawson stayed home with Daddy for the first time.  He used to be so easy to just strap into the stroller and go but that's not the case anymore.  It was almost like old times for me :) except I bought mostly for my little guy.

After the bazaar we met Joe and Dawson at BJ's for dinner.  Then we packed up Dawson's things and shipped him off with Grandma and Auntie! I will pick him up tomorrow night.  In the meantime Joe and I are having actual adult conversations (gasp!) being incredibly lazy, and might even do some shopping without saying "don't touch that!" Or "stop sweeping the floor with your booty, that's yucky!"  If I have to say either one of those things to Joe, he is in big trouble! 

Thursday was incredibly laid back and so so nice.  My cousin Kelley did a great job on dinner and snacks. Dawson was really well behaved and took a catnap on the way.  No complaints there! 

Friday we waited until early afternoon and went and did some shopping.. Not because it was Black Friday and we were looking for deals, just to get out of the house really.  

We did buy a Christmas tree. Previous years we have had a real tree.. We would go out and cut it down, have hot cocoa, and strap it to the roof of our car.  Last year was a complete disaster and we were all cold and cranky by the time the tree was put up.  I said I would never have a fake tree, but here I am.  For the next several years, our tree will be fake.  Cutting our own tree was supposed to be about the family time and experience but being cranky together isn't exactly what I had in mind.. I'm hoping when the kid(s) are older we can enjoy it more.  Time will tell. 

I also got a new pair of (full price) shoes.  They were way too cute to pass up!
I also cashed in my Swagbucks for Amazon cards this week.  I'm anxiously awaiting my $25 so I can do some online Christmas shopping! I already have several things for Dawson in my shopping cart.  I'm having a lot of fun buying for him this year.

Time to get dressed and enjoy my day with my hubby! 

Thanksgiving sure has changed..

Last night Joe and I were talking about Thanksgiving.  I realized I don't have a lot of great memories from Thanksgiving because to me that long weekend meant my friends were going to be gone, and I have never been a huge fan of Thanksgiving type food (including pumpkin pie).  Also, my sister didn't always spend the holiday with us and she is a huge part of my life.

We are spending Thanksgiving tomorrow with my aunt, uncles, and my parents, sister and my cousin.  I'm looking forward to it, but sad that my cousin and her husband and girls won't be with us.  Grandpa also passed away recently, and while he hasn't been with us for Thanksgiving for the last several years, it's still sad he won't be around in general.   My inlaws also don't live nearby anymore and I miss them this time of year especially. 

I'm really saddened by how many people will be working on Thanksgiving day.  It's sad that instead of giving thanks, many will be at work because others will be taking advantage of crazy early holiday sales.  When did this change so drastically? As a kid, I don't remember anything being open for Thanksgiving shopping.  I found myself really annoyed with all the sales ads I got in my email inbox today.  I'm grateful Joe doesn't have a job that requires him to work Thanksgiving day.  

Thanksgiving has never been my favorite holiday but this year I am reminded to hold my family close, enjoy our silly moments together, and cherish the (annoying) phases Dawson is going through.  (Nothing like a 2 year old telling you that you do things 'wrong').   And I'll be grateful that I get to spend it with my best friends too :) 

Last year we were moving into our house on Thanksgiving and it was spent at Shari's with my mom and sister.  I didn't realize how lucky I am to get a real Thanksgiving meal with lots of family until last year when it was purely convenience. (We did have a feast together, just not ON Thanksgiving day)

  I guess you don't know what you've got until it's not there sometimes!  Ah, how things change!

Happy Thanskgiving everyone! Enjoy your day! 

Veteran's Day

Image provided by freefoto.com

Today is Veteran's Day.  First, I just want to say thank you to all those who have served, or are currently serving.  I am very thankful. 

A friend posted on Facebook today about when her son joined the Marines and as a mother her worry.  This hit home in a different way for me.  I had never thought about Veteran's Day thinking about my child going into the military.  I have family that has served and is serving, but the thought of a mother watching her son or daughter enlist was very powerful.  It really put the sacrifice right in my face.  Obviously Dawson is only 2, but as I watch him play with his front loader toy on the floor, I think to myself "how would I ever let him go?"  I sit in awe when I think about the families that have a loved one that serves our country.  

I don't have to deal with my baby leaving me any time soon, but someday I will have to.  And if he chooses to join the military, I will worry.  That's my job.  You can be sure I will be proud though.