It's the Christmas season again!

I'm so excited for this Christmas.  Saturday night we decorated the Christmas tree, listened to Christmas music and drank egg nog.. Or wine, in my case- egg nog for the boys :) it was the most enjoyable family moment we've had in a while.  It was refreshing to just tuck away everything we've been going through and enjoy each other's company.  

I took advantage of double cash back on Ebates and bought a bunch of the kids Christmas presents.  Feels good to at least be started.  I don't know what I would do without online shopping.  If you haven't checked out Ebates, you should.  

Dawson started preschool 2 days a week, about a month ago.  He's really really enjoying it.  I was worried he might throw a fit when I dropped him off but it's the opposite.. It's when I pick him up! His teacher is wonderful and he's making friends at school.  It's awesome to see him be able to socialize more.  It's also helping tremendously with his behavior.  We are still struggling with fits, time outs, and defiance but it's a work in progress.  He gets very excited easily and then his behavior is off the charts awful.  He's growing so fast, I'm pretty sure he was ready for preschool a long time ago but I wasn't.  

Halle is still doing about the same.  We just did a series of stool tests and some blood tests.  Her blood tests came back inconclusive so we are repeating them in about another week.  I should hear about stool tests tomorrow.  Her EKG is finally scheduled for December 9th.. It's been rough to get an appointment that will work.  She goes back to the pediatric GI on December 18th, and I need to schedule her 4 month appointment (say what?! How is she almost 4 months already?!)

I'm working to find a new psychiatrist.. No such luck yet.  I'm back on my 100mg of zoloft but I'm still supplementing with Ativan at night and I just don't feel quite right.  I'm guessing I need some things tweaked.  I'm also on the hunt for a new therapist.. I was hoping to go back to one I used to see a few years ago but her schedule is full.  I feel overwhelmed with Halle's stuff so it's been hard to focus on what I need to do for myself.  I still need to go for my 2 hour glucose test too.  I'm trying to do it all.

We had family photos taken last weekend and unfortunately their prices were so outrageous (and not as advertised at all) that we only got a few photos.  My mom and I are taking the kids to get their picture taken at a cheaper rate so we can have more of the two of them at least.  

Despite all of Halle's problems, she's developing a sweet little personality when her stomach isn't killing her.  She loves to be talked to, chew on her hands, and she likes silly sounds too.  Morning time is usually her happiest time and we get lots of smiles then.  The rest of the day usually kind of goes downhill but it's more than we ever got with Dawson at this age so I'll take it! I thought she would be fascinated with the Christmas tree but thus far she hasn't seemed to even notice it! 

21 weeks pregnancy update

How far along? 21 weeks 3 days.. Baby is the size of a pomegranate!

Weight gain? According to my home scale I'm down 4 pounds again.. So sitting at a -4. 

Belly button? Still flat looking. 

Wedding rings on or off? Still on.  Figuring they will be fine for a while considering my weight isn't going up and swelling isn't an issue (yet.)

Movement? She loves to do somersaults.  It's really uncomfortable already.  Evenings and bed time she's most active.  Seems baby girl is not much of a morning person :) 

Maternity clothes? Yes, yes, yes! 

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea is nearly 24/7 now again.  Also getting some really awful heartburn and reflux type symptoms.  Like my diet wasn't limiting enough.  My ribs are a little better since seeing a chiropractor.  Hips are killing me though. 

Mood? Not good.  I am really really easy to cry and I am feeling so discouraged by my "relapse" into nausea land again.  Feeling anxious about naming the baby and also getting all the house projects and whatnot done before she is here.   

Missing? Not crying at the drop of a hat, having no physical limitations.  I miss playing on the floor with Dawson.  I also miss sleeping on my stomach. 

Looking forward to? Settling on a name.  

Sleep? Yeah, that's not going well.  I'm having a really hard time getting to sleep due to kicking, the cat, my neck, and my stomach bothering me.   

Exercise? Yep, nope, none of that happening (still.)

Any cravings? Homemade burgers, iced tea, smoothies, coffee. 

Food aversions? Almost everything.  Just forcing food down at this point. 

This week has been less than awesome.   I am not sleeping well which adds to my nausea, plus I have been without my medication for over a week and that's not helping.  My doctor's office is at the tippy top of my shit list.  They keep calling the wrong prescription in to the wrong place and they just can't seem to get it together.  I've spent half the week on the phone just trying to get my meds.  I was supposed to get a call by 6pm today letting me know what is going on with that, but no call.  So it looks like another weekend without.  Happy Easter to me! 

I went to see a chiropractor on Monday and based on the damage done to my neck (old car accident injury that flares) and the fact that I'm pregnant so all my hormones are relaxing my joints and muscles, he wanted to see me twice a week.   Last time this happened, I was NOT pregnant and it took over 4 months of appointments several times a week to correct the problem. I decided that twice a week, or even once a week, my insurance coverage ($1500 per year) wasn't going to go far enough to get the job done, especially while my hormones are fighting me.  So I'm putting it on the back burner until this winter.  It hurts, but to be honest I'm almost used to it.  It's just worse right now because I can't take anything for it.  However, he did tell me that my rib pain is a muscle cramp from all the stretching.  Basically, my belly muscles that connect to my bottom 2 ribs do not want to stretch so they cramp up. He had me lay down and literally stuck his fingers under my ribs (ouch) and pushed where it was tender.   Sure enough, I felt better for a couple hours.   More relief than I've had in a while.  I have to have Joe's help to do it at home, but it's helped tremendously.  

Otherwise, stress from a pending home equity line of credit and car repairs along with my medication fiasco has me pretty stressed.  Hoping next week is better! 

Really late 14 week pregnancy update!

How far along? 14weeks 5 days.. Baby is the size of a lemon!  

Weight gain? Down about 13 lbs according to the home scale. 

Belly button? Still looks normal :) 

Wedding rings on or off? Still on! 

Movement? Nothing that I could say for sure is baby, but definitely feeling something. 

Maternity clothes? Yes! Shirts are a must this week..

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea every morning (sometimes vomiting) and each evening but I have a good window each day from about 1pm until 6pm.  I'll take it!  Starting to feel my ribs give.  Lots of muscle rolling in my belly which isn't super comfy.  

Mood? Feeling a lot better emotionally.  I saw my therapist this week and was reminded to stop thinking negatively about how long this feeling like crap COULD last and focus more on getting through each day.  

Missing? Feeling rested.  Taking a shower with little to no effort.  Running.  Effortlessly getting on the floor to play with Dawson.

Looking forward to? My next appointment on the 11th & scheduling the anatomy scan ultrasound. 

Sleep? Having good nights and bad.  I either sleep like a rock or I toss and turn a lot.  Can't sleep on my belly at all anymore and that sucks. 

Exercise? No.  Just no.  Exercise = lose my breath super easily and uncontrollable gagging.  (I have a feeling this won't change anytime soon..) I don't have the energy to do a lot, but I have been getting out of the house a couple times a week to go for a walk in the mall or ikea, things like that. 

Any cravings? Salt.  Still salt.. Really into steak fries with loads of Red Robin seasoning.  I've also found a new safe food- refried beans.  I've eaten a lot of bean burritos this week.  I managed to go out for sushi this week (and enjoy it!) and On The Boarder! Drinks are iced tea and ocean water from Sonic. 

Food aversions? Most foods still.  Anything too sweet sounds awful or tomato based things. 

This new liquid promethazine has been a miracle drug for me.  I take it mostly at night and it seems to shape the following day for me.  It makes me really sleepy and drunk feeling so I have to have someone here if I take it during the day.  I've really had a pretty good week other than feeling very very tired.  I am trying to remind myself that I haven't had a lot of nutrition and barely enough fluids to keep me going lately so of course I'm going to be exhausted.  Doing simple things is still hard.   I'm doing my best to sneak naps when I can but most of the time I don't manage that so I try to get into bed a little earlier.  Otherwise I am just chugging along! 

13 week pregnancy update

How far along? 13 weeks 3 days.. Baby is the size of a peach. 

Weight gain? Staying steady at down 12 lbs according to the doctor's office and about 15 lbs according to our home scale. 

Belly button? Still looks normal :) 

Wedding rings on or off? Still on! 

Movement? Nothing that I could say for sure is baby, but definitely feeling something. 

Maternity clothes? Yes! 

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea and vomiting still.  Started a new medication that's helping, but I can really only take it at night because it makes me feel drunk.  

Mood? Feeling hopeful.  

Missing? Normalcy.  My friends. 

Looking forward to? Decorating the nursery. 

Sleep? Having good nights and bad.  I either sleep like a rock or I toss and turn a lot. 

Exercise? No.  Just no.  Exercise = lose my breath super easily and uncontrollable gagging.  (I have a feeling this won't change anytime soon..) I don't have the energy to do a lot. 

Any cravings? Salt.  Just salt.  I've eaten a lot of French fries lately because I want the salt.  Crunchy chicken with dipping sauce has tasted okay lately.  Orange soda makes me sick now, but orange juice has been sitting okay. 

Food aversions? Most foods still. 

I saw the doctor on Tuesday and that went okay.  She was very knowledgable about hyperemesis gravidarum and had some treatment ideas in mind before we pull out the big guns.  So this week I am on liquid promethazine and my zofran still.  The promethazine helps a lot but it makes me so so loopy and drunk feeling.   If this doesn't get my dehydration issues under control and get me drinking more, I'll have to go to the hospital twice weekly for fluids.  At that point we will discuss the possibility of steroids.  

I was also dehydrated pretty badly when they checked my urine on Tuesday.  They set up an appointment for me to go to the infusion center at the hospital for fluids and phenergan.  Unfortunately, that landed on my little boy's third birthday.  I spent most of Wednesday getting what I needed and Dawson spent most of the day with my parents.  He did play in the daycare center in the hospital for a couple of hours which must have tuckered him out because he asked them for a nap! When grandma & grandpa went to get him he was out like a light.  We celebrated with family when I got home that night and thanks to my meds I was able to eat a meal and have icecream birthday cake.  

I can hardly believe he's three already.. 

I have debated sharing this..

I even asked friends what I should do.  A good friend told me to always always do what is best for me.

I'm pregnant.  I found out last week, so it is very very early.  I am excited, and a little bit scared if I am being honest here.

I kept my pregnancy with Dawson a secret for 8+ weeks, until after I had my first OB appointment.  While I can understand why people choose not to tell until after the first trimester, I decided that isn't what is best for me.  If something were to happen, this would be my outlet.  I would need an outpouring of support.

I talked with my therapist about not telling, and she said in a sense I am isolating myself.  I also feel like I am not able to work through some of the conflicting emotions I will inevitably have if I keep this a secret.  For me, it is stressful.  It feels eerily similar to the stress and anxiety I felt about keeping my trichotillomania a secret.  Obviously not the same things, but the feeling of anxiety was drowning me. 

I know if I miscarry I will have to share that bad news.  My hope is that if that does happen, sharing here can be healing for me.  

Obviously I am still on my antidepressant and I plan to continue that through my pregnancy to try to prevent a reoccurence of my postpartum depression.  The risks of going off of it are too much.  

So far I feel pretty okay.. A few occurrences of nausea and dizziness and I am very, very tired but otherwise I can't complain.  I will say the bloating has kicked in much quicker this time around, and not many of my clothes are comfortable.  That's all I have for now! 

Post-partum Depression

I have been doing some reflecting on the last few years.  Putting Dawson into a big boy room made me realize today that I won't ever rock him in his rocking chair again.  It brought tears to my eyes.  The funny thing is not long ago rocking him in that chair brought me to tears also, but they were tears of misery.

I first knew something was wrong in the hospital after Dawson was born.  Now that I can look back, I think I was in shock.  I have told my therapist that when he was born I felt like I had lost him.  This baby I sat looking at was beautiful, but I couldn't identify him as the baby I was carrying for 9 months.  He was a stranger to me.  I was numb.  

I went on living and feeling this way until Dawson was 4 months old, when I knew deep down that something was very wrong.  I wanted to run away.  I kept thinking I had made a huge mistake and that having children was not for me.  I kept it to myself because I felt extreme guilt over these feelings.

  I called my OBGYN just after Dawson turned 4 months old and the nurse treated me like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I never actually spoke to the doctor, but I was prescribed 50mg of zoloft per day and told to follow up in 2months.  I took the medication for the 2 months. At this point between everything that happened during my pregnancy with my OB, my lack of medical insurance, and my guilt, and the fact that the medication was doing nothing, I decided not to follow up.  I did go to therapy once every 2 weeks for a while though. 

I slipped further and further after this.  Every day was like that movie Groundhog's Day.  I didn't want to be left alone at all.  By Dawson's first Christmas I was crying almost daily, wanting to sleep all the time and yet dealing with extreme insomnia and panic attacks.  I was just going through the motions of day to day life.

Just after Christmas Joe told me he thought there was something wrong, that I wasn't myself.  This was all it took for the walls to come down and I melted.  I was just a shell of who I once was and I knew it.  I agreed to go see a new doctor and try again to get rid of this ugly beast.  I felt like it was too late, no one was going to believe this was post partum depression when Dawson was already a year old.  

I met a wonderful doctor in February and she gave me medication for my panic attacks, my insomnia, and an antidepressant.  It was trial and error.  I tried many medications with little to no success.  The only medication that worked at all had such horrible side effects that I didn't want to live that way any more than I wanted to live my life with post partum depression and anxiety.  

I read a lot of books, but sadly there are not many about post partum depression.  Sleepless Days by Susan Kushner Resnick helped me the most.  I wasn't the only person who felt like this and there was
hope! I highly recommend it if you think you might have post partum depression.

We bought a house last year and moved in almost a year ago exactly.  At that point my doctor told me she couldn't help me and that I needed to see a psychiatrist.  I was really scared to tell someone else my story, but seeing a psychiatrist was the best thing that happened.  I was again put on some different medication for my anxiety and depression.

Getting better didn't happen over night.  It took several months to adjust to the medication and to get a good relationship with a new therapist.  I was now in the hands of people that deal with women in my position all the time.  

I can proudly say that as of June of this year I am off my anti anxiety medication, I sleep through the night on my own without medication and I can't imagine my life without Dawson in it.  I still feel some guilt about how much I feel like I missed the first 2 years but I know that wasn't me.  I was sick.  I still take my antidepressant and I have no plans to give it up.

I will never be who I was before I had Dawson.  I used to think that was a bad thing.  Now I see that it is just different, not bad.  I wouldn't be the mom I am today if I hadn't gone through the hell that is post partum depression.  

He is my life.  There's no better reminder than when I whisper "I love you booboo" and I get back "I lub loo too, mommy."