Knowing you are done, before you are there

After how rough this pregnancy has been with the hyperemesis gravidarum, Joe and I have decided we will not have any more children.  This was not a hard decision, with the events of the last 3+ months.   We knew we wanted at least 2 children before I got pregnant this time, but we were undecided on whether we would have 3.   The stress on our family has been enormous.

I have decided that I cannot be pregnant again.  My pregnancy with Dawson was not easy. I did have some issues, including some nausea and vomiting but I feel now that it was very easy in comparison.  I can honestly (and with a lot of guilt) say that I haven't enjoyed being pregnant this time.  I have been so sick, I live in fear of being sick all the time.  I miss beer and wine and forbidden foods.  I miss not worrying about my fluid intake.  I know logically that it's all for this baby, that I very much want, but I still feel resentful at times.  That's hard to admit.  It's also hard to admit that even with that beautiful prize at the end, I am not willing to go through this again, no matter what.   

I am okay with this decision.. most days.  Other days (especially if I am having a vomit free day) I feel a pang of sadness when I see other moms with more than 2.  In that moment it hits me- this is it.  Those parts of pregnancy I do enjoy (hello, basketball belly and baby kicks!) are here now and I keep thinking "this is going to be over too fast, and I will never get to experience these things again" and it brings an overwhelming sadness.  

I know that the decision to be done is what's right for me and my family but knowing we are done before we truly are, is so hard to swallow.   I can only pray that when this baby is finally here, I will feel more than 95 percent at peace with the decision.  

Really late 14 week pregnancy update!

How far along? 14weeks 5 days.. Baby is the size of a lemon!  

Weight gain? Down about 13 lbs according to the home scale. 

Belly button? Still looks normal :) 

Wedding rings on or off? Still on! 

Movement? Nothing that I could say for sure is baby, but definitely feeling something. 

Maternity clothes? Yes! Shirts are a must this week..

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea every morning (sometimes vomiting) and each evening but I have a good window each day from about 1pm until 6pm.  I'll take it!  Starting to feel my ribs give.  Lots of muscle rolling in my belly which isn't super comfy.  

Mood? Feeling a lot better emotionally.  I saw my therapist this week and was reminded to stop thinking negatively about how long this feeling like crap COULD last and focus more on getting through each day.  

Missing? Feeling rested.  Taking a shower with little to no effort.  Running.  Effortlessly getting on the floor to play with Dawson.

Looking forward to? My next appointment on the 11th & scheduling the anatomy scan ultrasound. 

Sleep? Having good nights and bad.  I either sleep like a rock or I toss and turn a lot.  Can't sleep on my belly at all anymore and that sucks. 

Exercise? No.  Just no.  Exercise = lose my breath super easily and uncontrollable gagging.  (I have a feeling this won't change anytime soon..) I don't have the energy to do a lot, but I have been getting out of the house a couple times a week to go for a walk in the mall or ikea, things like that. 

Any cravings? Salt.  Still salt.. Really into steak fries with loads of Red Robin seasoning.  I've also found a new safe food- refried beans.  I've eaten a lot of bean burritos this week.  I managed to go out for sushi this week (and enjoy it!) and On The Boarder! Drinks are iced tea and ocean water from Sonic. 

Food aversions? Most foods still.  Anything too sweet sounds awful or tomato based things. 

This new liquid promethazine has been a miracle drug for me.  I take it mostly at night and it seems to shape the following day for me.  It makes me really sleepy and drunk feeling so I have to have someone here if I take it during the day.  I've really had a pretty good week other than feeling very very tired.  I am trying to remind myself that I haven't had a lot of nutrition and barely enough fluids to keep me going lately so of course I'm going to be exhausted.  Doing simple things is still hard.   I'm doing my best to sneak naps when I can but most of the time I don't manage that so I try to get into bed a little earlier.  Otherwise I am just chugging along! 

13 week pregnancy update

How far along? 13 weeks 3 days.. Baby is the size of a peach. 

Weight gain? Staying steady at down 12 lbs according to the doctor's office and about 15 lbs according to our home scale. 

Belly button? Still looks normal :) 

Wedding rings on or off? Still on! 

Movement? Nothing that I could say for sure is baby, but definitely feeling something. 

Maternity clothes? Yes! 

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea and vomiting still.  Started a new medication that's helping, but I can really only take it at night because it makes me feel drunk.  

Mood? Feeling hopeful.  

Missing? Normalcy.  My friends. 

Looking forward to? Decorating the nursery. 

Sleep? Having good nights and bad.  I either sleep like a rock or I toss and turn a lot. 

Exercise? No.  Just no.  Exercise = lose my breath super easily and uncontrollable gagging.  (I have a feeling this won't change anytime soon..) I don't have the energy to do a lot. 

Any cravings? Salt.  Just salt.  I've eaten a lot of French fries lately because I want the salt.  Crunchy chicken with dipping sauce has tasted okay lately.  Orange soda makes me sick now, but orange juice has been sitting okay. 

Food aversions? Most foods still. 

I saw the doctor on Tuesday and that went okay.  She was very knowledgable about hyperemesis gravidarum and had some treatment ideas in mind before we pull out the big guns.  So this week I am on liquid promethazine and my zofran still.  The promethazine helps a lot but it makes me so so loopy and drunk feeling.   If this doesn't get my dehydration issues under control and get me drinking more, I'll have to go to the hospital twice weekly for fluids.  At that point we will discuss the possibility of steroids.  

I was also dehydrated pretty badly when they checked my urine on Tuesday.  They set up an appointment for me to go to the infusion center at the hospital for fluids and phenergan.  Unfortunately, that landed on my little boy's third birthday.  I spent most of Wednesday getting what I needed and Dawson spent most of the day with my parents.  He did play in the daycare center in the hospital for a couple of hours which must have tuckered him out because he asked them for a nap! When grandma & grandpa went to get him he was out like a light.  We celebrated with family when I got home that night and thanks to my meds I was able to eat a meal and have icecream birthday cake.  

I can hardly believe he's three already.. 

12 week pregnancy update

How far along? 12 weeks 3 days.. Baby is the size of a plum.  (Clearly it doesn't matter to my body how big or small that babe is! Ha!)

Weight gain? The scale at the doctor's office yesterday said I am down 12 lbs but if I go by ours, it still says 16 lbs. 

Belly button? Still looks normal :) 

Wedding rings on or off? Still on and still loose

Movement? Nothing yet, too early.  I wish I could feel something! 

Maternity clothes? Pants, yes.  Some shirts too! I wore the full panel jeans with Dawson but they are so uncomfortable to me this time.  I bought some side panel jeans and I'm in love.  I also got a couple of t shirts, one in the picture above.  I feel cute again instead of frumpy. 

Symptoms? Feeling? Nausea and vomiting still going on.  I ended up back in the ER Monday night because I couldn't keep anything down.  That was awful.  I could easily pass for a drug addict between my gray complexion and all the needle pokes & bruises.  It's reached a whole new level, now when I exert myself at all I throw up and get really dizzy.  Even taking a shower is tough.  I also can no longer swallow pills. 

Mood? Feeling really down.  Probably doesn't help that I haven't been able to take my antidepressant.  

Missing? Normalcy.  Ease of getting out of the house.  Socializing.  

Looking forward to? My appointment Tuesday with the high risk OB to come up with a treatment other than zofran, Reglan, and promethegan.  I'm hoping for good news and other possibilities. 

Sleep? I have been anxious this week, feeling like a burden on my family and not the best mother or wife.  Sleep has been tough sometimes as a result.  

Exercise? No.  Just no.  Exercise = lose my breath super easily and uncontrollable gagging.  (I have a feeling this won't change anytime soon..) I did take a walk in the mall with mom and Dawson. 

Any cravings? No cravings.  I've eaten chicken sandwiches from Burger King recently.. Crunchy and salty.  Last night I was able to hold down Greek yogurt with almonds and high protein granola.  I can barely choke down decaf iced tea anymore so I have moved on to orange soda.  

Food aversions? Everything.  No joke.  Even the things I can choke down sound awful 24/7.  (I'm super hopeful this answer will change soon!!) 

It's been a rough week.. My pharmacy is not helping.  They don't seem to carry my zofran regularly and so 9 times out of 10 I go to get it filled and it takes them DAYS.. Which, when I'm only getting 10 at a time, is just not doable.  Every time I lapse on the zofran I end up in big big trouble.  My mom is actually out right now switching my prescription to another pharmacy because I have had so much trouble.  Hopefully Tuesday I will have either a new prescription for more than 10 or a prescription for something else entirely. 

My husband and my mom have been.. I just can't even say how wonderful.  Joe has taken over taking care of Dawson and he runs to get me whatever I need whenever I need it, with ZERO complaints.  He's amazing.  My mom packs her bag at the drop of a hat to come to me to help.  I can't say how thankful I am for my family right now.  This is all very hard but without them I'm not sure I could do it at all.  I love you guys!