It's the Christmas season again!

I'm so excited for this Christmas.  Saturday night we decorated the Christmas tree, listened to Christmas music and drank egg nog.. Or wine, in my case- egg nog for the boys :) it was the most enjoyable family moment we've had in a while.  It was refreshing to just tuck away everything we've been going through and enjoy each other's company.  

I took advantage of double cash back on Ebates and bought a bunch of the kids Christmas presents.  Feels good to at least be started.  I don't know what I would do without online shopping.  If you haven't checked out Ebates, you should.  

Dawson started preschool 2 days a week, about a month ago.  He's really really enjoying it.  I was worried he might throw a fit when I dropped him off but it's the opposite.. It's when I pick him up! His teacher is wonderful and he's making friends at school.  It's awesome to see him be able to socialize more.  It's also helping tremendously with his behavior.  We are still struggling with fits, time outs, and defiance but it's a work in progress.  He gets very excited easily and then his behavior is off the charts awful.  He's growing so fast, I'm pretty sure he was ready for preschool a long time ago but I wasn't.  

Halle is still doing about the same.  We just did a series of stool tests and some blood tests.  Her blood tests came back inconclusive so we are repeating them in about another week.  I should hear about stool tests tomorrow.  Her EKG is finally scheduled for December 9th.. It's been rough to get an appointment that will work.  She goes back to the pediatric GI on December 18th, and I need to schedule her 4 month appointment (say what?! How is she almost 4 months already?!)

I'm working to find a new psychiatrist.. No such luck yet.  I'm back on my 100mg of zoloft but I'm still supplementing with Ativan at night and I just don't feel quite right.  I'm guessing I need some things tweaked.  I'm also on the hunt for a new therapist.. I was hoping to go back to one I used to see a few years ago but her schedule is full.  I feel overwhelmed with Halle's stuff so it's been hard to focus on what I need to do for myself.  I still need to go for my 2 hour glucose test too.  I'm trying to do it all.

We had family photos taken last weekend and unfortunately their prices were so outrageous (and not as advertised at all) that we only got a few photos.  My mom and I are taking the kids to get their picture taken at a cheaper rate so we can have more of the two of them at least.  

Despite all of Halle's problems, she's developing a sweet little personality when her stomach isn't killing her.  She loves to be talked to, chew on her hands, and she likes silly sounds too.  Morning time is usually her happiest time and we get lots of smiles then.  The rest of the day usually kind of goes downhill but it's more than we ever got with Dawson at this age so I'll take it! I thought she would be fascinated with the Christmas tree but thus far she hasn't seemed to even notice it! 

HRT and Stimulus Control for Trichotillomania

HRT- what is it and how can it help with your trichotillomania? 

HRT, also known as Habit Reversal Training is a therapeutic technique that has helped me personally with my trichotillomania.  The jist of HRT is to reverse the automatic behaviors and learn to be more mindful.   Here's the Wikipedia definition. 

Everyone pulls for different reasons.  Maybe you're tired, maybe stressed.. Or maybe you're just watching TV and you hadn't realized you were doing it in the first place.  Here's where HRT can help. 

One of the biggest pieces to this puzzle for me- stimulus control techniques, or habit blockers. I know this doesn't work for everyone, but again I'm just speaking about things that have worked for me.  I would also like to add that I don't hide my trichotillomania with my habit blockers.  Some choose to but that can easily become a crutch and you may find yourself pulling more because you feel like it doesn't matter, because no one can see.   The idea behind these blockers is not that they will not STOP you, but that they will help you become more aware of your actions and give you the chance to use a competing response instead of giving in to the impulse to pull. 

Bandaids

This can work for all types of pullers (and even skin pickers too!)  Just put bandaids on the fingers you pull with.. I know, I know- what if you pull with multiple fingers on each hand?! Wrap those babies up.  Reducing the sensation to your fingertips can help tremendously.  I've found that the blister bandaids work best for me,  because they stay on for days at a time (even through showers!) and aren't that noticeable.  I know some people have had more success with the fabric type fingertip bandaids too.  

Hats, scarves, headbands

Specifically work for scalp pullers, obviously.   Not much to say about these.  I have limited success with these kinds of things, mostly because I make the choice not to even put them on.

Acrylic or gel nails 

Works for some women.  I found it especially helpful with skin picking.  Before you have them put on, you have to ask yourself if it's in your budget (they need to be maintained every couple of weeks or even every week) and what part of your fingers you pull with.  I tend to pull with the very ends of my fingers, so the longer my acrylics are, the harder it is for me to grasp a hair, and the longer I have to come up with a competing response, like "I don't want to do this, I'm not going to do this."   For some people shorter nails work better as a habit blocker.  I've heard good things about the pointed nails.  

Oils, gels, Vaseline, hair masques

These are great for scalp pullers and eyebrow pullers.  Coconut oil is natural and actually pretty great for your hair and skin.  If I know I'm going to be home a while, I'll put some oil on and let it soak in.  The hair is slippery enough that it's harder to pull, which may make you more aware.  Or maybe just more frustrated but that's part of the process!  Vaseline is great on eyebrows I've heard.  I don't have any personal experience with that.  For me, these kinds of things only work to a certain extent.  Having "dirty" hair seems to be triggering for me.  

Gloves

This is one thing I just can't do.  Gloves drive me nuts.  BUT for some people it's a great subtle thing to use outside of the house.  Great for people that pull while driving or watching tv! 

Toys

I know, sounds silly.  I know some people swear by their Tangle toys.  Sometimes just sitting with some silly putty or a rubix cube type toy can keep your hands busy.  It's making the choice to pick one of these up before you start to pull that can be difficult. 

This is just a drop in the bucket.  There are many things that work for people, and what works for one may not work for another.  Again- these aren't going to "cure" anything, but it may help you become more mindful and challenge yourself to say "I could pull this hair or pick this spot, but I really don't want to."  Now do I still want to pull? Heck yes! But I don't want to deal with the consequences.  In the moment, giving myself the chance to choose what's more important to me is huge.  It can mean the difference between a really terrible day or a great one.  

Obviously using and implementing this doesn't always work for me.  Right now I'm in a low spot.  I did wear my bandana all week, and then some, but I wouldn't say I was pull free.  I just greatly reduced my pulling.  Hey, it's something!  

What blockers do you use? What situations does it help you cope with? 

I have debated sharing this..

I even asked friends what I should do.  A good friend told me to always always do what is best for me.

I'm pregnant.  I found out last week, so it is very very early.  I am excited, and a little bit scared if I am being honest here.

I kept my pregnancy with Dawson a secret for 8+ weeks, until after I had my first OB appointment.  While I can understand why people choose not to tell until after the first trimester, I decided that isn't what is best for me.  If something were to happen, this would be my outlet.  I would need an outpouring of support.

I talked with my therapist about not telling, and she said in a sense I am isolating myself.  I also feel like I am not able to work through some of the conflicting emotions I will inevitably have if I keep this a secret.  For me, it is stressful.  It feels eerily similar to the stress and anxiety I felt about keeping my trichotillomania a secret.  Obviously not the same things, but the feeling of anxiety was drowning me. 

I know if I miscarry I will have to share that bad news.  My hope is that if that does happen, sharing here can be healing for me.  

Obviously I am still on my antidepressant and I plan to continue that through my pregnancy to try to prevent a reoccurence of my postpartum depression.  The risks of going off of it are too much.  

So far I feel pretty okay.. A few occurrences of nausea and dizziness and I am very, very tired but otherwise I can't complain.  I will say the bloating has kicked in much quicker this time around, and not many of my clothes are comfortable.  That's all I have for now! 

Tuesday Trich update

It's been a couple of weeks since I updated about my trichotillomania battle and I have been doing pretty well not pulling.  I have had a couple of bad moments but nothing major.  My hair is still growing in white in a lot of places but at least it's growing!

Here's what it looks like today (pardon my hair sticking out.. My hair is curly and has a mind of its own) 

And two weeks ago

Not much visible progress.. and actually I can see where I have done a little bit of damage over the last couple of weeks.  My hope is that keeping updates going here on my blog will help keep me in check.
 The color is different in the pictures because one was taken with a phone, the other with my iPad. 

One way I combat the urge to pull is to use habit blockers.  At one point I tried acrylic nails (which ended when I broke one off- very very painful!)  Bandaids have worked to a certain extent, but I am admittedly not great about remembering to put them on.  Headbands, hats, and gloves have worked the best for me.  The less I pull, the more it tends to hurt my hands and arms to do so.  That also keeps me in check.  

Through the journey to again get my pulling under control, I have learned to manage my anxiety.  So relapsing was really a blessing in disguise.  I have had crippling anxiety for as long as I can remember.  The last 8 months or so, I have been in group therapy and I have really learned to reverse my negative thoughts.  

I used to be a worst case scenario type of person.  I don't do that to myself anymore.  As soon as I catch myself saying "Oh crap, this dead car battery is probably something else, and I am going to need a new car and then we will have to cut something else in the budget and what if we can't afford to...(insert tears here)" I stop myself.  It might just be the battery.  It might be something more.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to the mix is not going to help anything.  Honestly, when I first started catching myself and talking myself out of being anxious about something I thought this is never going to work.  It has worked. It had definitely taken some time, but making it a habit has helped tremendously.  I feel more capable to handle whatever life throws at me now, instead of crumbling.  

Post-partum Depression

I have been doing some reflecting on the last few years.  Putting Dawson into a big boy room made me realize today that I won't ever rock him in his rocking chair again.  It brought tears to my eyes.  The funny thing is not long ago rocking him in that chair brought me to tears also, but they were tears of misery.

I first knew something was wrong in the hospital after Dawson was born.  Now that I can look back, I think I was in shock.  I have told my therapist that when he was born I felt like I had lost him.  This baby I sat looking at was beautiful, but I couldn't identify him as the baby I was carrying for 9 months.  He was a stranger to me.  I was numb.  

I went on living and feeling this way until Dawson was 4 months old, when I knew deep down that something was very wrong.  I wanted to run away.  I kept thinking I had made a huge mistake and that having children was not for me.  I kept it to myself because I felt extreme guilt over these feelings.

  I called my OBGYN just after Dawson turned 4 months old and the nurse treated me like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I never actually spoke to the doctor, but I was prescribed 50mg of zoloft per day and told to follow up in 2months.  I took the medication for the 2 months. At this point between everything that happened during my pregnancy with my OB, my lack of medical insurance, and my guilt, and the fact that the medication was doing nothing, I decided not to follow up.  I did go to therapy once every 2 weeks for a while though. 

I slipped further and further after this.  Every day was like that movie Groundhog's Day.  I didn't want to be left alone at all.  By Dawson's first Christmas I was crying almost daily, wanting to sleep all the time and yet dealing with extreme insomnia and panic attacks.  I was just going through the motions of day to day life.

Just after Christmas Joe told me he thought there was something wrong, that I wasn't myself.  This was all it took for the walls to come down and I melted.  I was just a shell of who I once was and I knew it.  I agreed to go see a new doctor and try again to get rid of this ugly beast.  I felt like it was too late, no one was going to believe this was post partum depression when Dawson was already a year old.  

I met a wonderful doctor in February and she gave me medication for my panic attacks, my insomnia, and an antidepressant.  It was trial and error.  I tried many medications with little to no success.  The only medication that worked at all had such horrible side effects that I didn't want to live that way any more than I wanted to live my life with post partum depression and anxiety.  

I read a lot of books, but sadly there are not many about post partum depression.  Sleepless Days by Susan Kushner Resnick helped me the most.  I wasn't the only person who felt like this and there was
hope! I highly recommend it if you think you might have post partum depression.

We bought a house last year and moved in almost a year ago exactly.  At that point my doctor told me she couldn't help me and that I needed to see a psychiatrist.  I was really scared to tell someone else my story, but seeing a psychiatrist was the best thing that happened.  I was again put on some different medication for my anxiety and depression.

Getting better didn't happen over night.  It took several months to adjust to the medication and to get a good relationship with a new therapist.  I was now in the hands of people that deal with women in my position all the time.  

I can proudly say that as of June of this year I am off my anti anxiety medication, I sleep through the night on my own without medication and I can't imagine my life without Dawson in it.  I still feel some guilt about how much I feel like I missed the first 2 years but I know that wasn't me.  I was sick.  I still take my antidepressant and I have no plans to give it up.

I will never be who I was before I had Dawson.  I used to think that was a bad thing.  Now I see that it is just different, not bad.  I wouldn't be the mom I am today if I hadn't gone through the hell that is post partum depression.  

He is my life.  There's no better reminder than when I whisper "I love you booboo" and I get back "I lub loo too, mommy." 

New car? Nightmare.

I never thought I would say I miss my Honda Accord but here I am.  I still love my new Odyssey of course but everything that has happened in the last month is making me a little crazy (short road, I know.)

 My NEW minivan now sits at The Honda dealership being diagnosed.  Except of course now that it's there, they can't seem to get it to act up at all.  Since it's a new car they contacted Honda corporate to see if anyone else had reported the same issue and JUST my luck, no one has.  So they are driving it around some more trying to get the error lights to come on.  It makes me a little sick to know that even after this I have to take it to get the body damage fixed.  It sure would be nice to open my back hatch though!

  I know I probably sound ungrateful at this point, but not having a car makes me feel... trapped.  I really am grateful to get to drive a new car (or really any car at all.) Joe works his butt off so I can not only have everything I need but things I want too.  I guess I just like things to go smoothly and this is a very small bump in the road.  My anxiety over such things gets the best of me sometimes.  You would think having a child would have taught me to EXPECT things to go wrong! :) 

Dawson and I are getting cabin fever, but we will survive! I do get to get out of the house tonight for therapy, so that's good.  I feel encouraged by the last few weeks regarding my hair.  As much stress as I have been under, I am still keeping a handle on my pulling and I have a lot of new growth, especially up top.  The cold season is obviously beneficial to me with all of my hats and gloves.  I am still having bad days but they are no longer outweighing the good.  Baby steps..