Time to cut it again

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard.  For me, at any rate.  I know there are some women out there that probably think all my whining is ridiculous, and to be honest with my first pregnancy, that would have been my thought too.  My mom said it well- this pregnancy has been an 8-9 month long nightmare, not just the last few weeks. The anticipation for it to be over (and new challenges to arrive) is huge right now.. Not just for me, but for my whole family.

Unfortunately, that comes with other struggles for me personally.  I will always struggle with my trichotillomania, but more so when I have an obstacle like being 9 months pregnant.  I was doing pretty great, but being stuck at home with my anxiety sky high is taking it's toll.  I'm going to cut my hair again tonight.  I would rather cut it now, and prevent further damage to how thick it is.  It's actually been thicker in the last month than it has been in a very long time.  If I need to make it shorter to hold onto that, so be it.  

The before:

I feel a little defeated, but I do know that my idle time is about to go out the window.  Which is bittersweet.  I'm going to try to make it work FOR me with my trich rather than against me.  If I cut my hair now, I can't do any pulling before the baby is born.  I also won't have much time to do any after she's born.  I'm hoping that this awkward phase that I'm in right now with my hair and my pulling will hit when she's a few weeks old, and it won't (or rather, can't) be my focus.. Maybe I can get over this "bump" that I seem to hit at this length.  

The after:

All I can say is I wish I had bought the clippers sooner!  It's nice to be able to just take care of it rather than stew in my disappointment and I really do feel some relief when I cut it.  I feel pretty blessed that I can pull short hair off well.   To spin this around even more to a positive, at least I don't need to worry about fixing my hair for photos of me with Halle! 

Trichotillomania, my hair pulling update

(If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter you probably have already seen this!)

I haven't updated in a while on my trichotillomania progress...  Or lack thereof.  Probably because I don't want to.  I write it out and realize I'm in the same place I was 18 months ago and that stings.  I know how easily that 18 months struggling with trichotillomania can turn into 10 years.  I've done that before.

  I haven't been doing well at all curbing my urges and avoiding triggers.  I will say my pulling I've done in the last few months is 90 percent conscious.  I feel like I'm lacking the motivation to stop.  I try not to compare trichotillomania to any other struggle, because it's unique, but I feel like one day pull free is kind of a load of crap.  One day pull free shows no progress, like going to the gym for one day.  You aren't going to see results.  It really takes a lot of self discipline to stop pulling long enough to see progress.  It reminds me so much of trying to lose weight or put on muscle, only you can't relapse and gain 40 pounds back in one day, but you certainly can pull out all your hair in just an afternoon.  

About a week ago I had enough.  I went to Target, bought a set of clippers, and cut everything off.  I have to say that first day it's gone is like this huge relief, a big weight off your shoulders.  A few days later when I'm desperately trying to pull, it hits me.  I let trichotillomania win again.  I wish I could say I don't feel that way, but I do.  I have to go through the painful, hard process of trying to get passed that inbetween grow out stage that is so damn tempting to me.   I have come to the terms with the fact that I will probably never be one of those people that is "pull free" and I'm okay with that. 

I do actually feel like my hair looks better when it's shorter, but it makes me feel like I have to compensate with make up and nail polish to feel more feminine.  Pregnancy is giving me some body image complexes as it is, this was just icing on the cake.  I'm trying very hard to not let my trich take any good feelings I have about myself away.  

Given all this, I have a wonderful support system.  I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband and family.  They back me up no matter the decision I make.  I feel really fortunate for this.  I know there are so many people out there that have families that don't make them feel the best at their worst.  My family, if anything, is the opposite.

I'm hoping this fresh start makes it easier to move forward.  I don't have super high hopes, but I always have the clippers now.  

Top things you shouldn't say to someone with Trichotillomania!

I'm part of a couple of Trichotillomania Facebook groups and I know some can commiserate with me on this.  I will say this post probably comes off as a bit of a rant, but you have to understand I've heard all of this over and over again for the last 20 years.

You wouldn't say something like "Gosh, I just feel SO sick" to someone in the hospital, right? Well there are other situations that require the same thinking.  Sometimes it would do us all some good to be more mindful of our audience.    Here's my top things you shouldn't say to someone with trichotillomania.  These are just my experiences, but food for thought.

Body Focused Repetitive Behavior Ribbon

 You would be so 'pretty/handsome/insert compliment here' if you had hair (or eyebrows, eyelashes, etc).  

Really? You just took what could have been a compliment and turned it into a big slap in the face.  My beauty does not revolve around my hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, weight, and so on.  Is my hair perfect? No.  It's not.  It's not the way I want it.  But I wouldn't point out the zit on your face, so don't point out my lack of hair.  

Why don't you just stop? 

Well, why hadn't I thought of that?  While I do agree that there is some control regarding trichotollomania (again, just a personal belief), it's an impulse.  If it was as easy as 'just stopping', up to 4 percent of the population wouldn't suffer with this. I didn't choose this.  It's a constant battle, and being open about it is hard.  So if someone opens up to you about their struggle with trichotillomania, please try to educate yourself and understand that it's not that easy.  

I'm so mad I could just pull out my hair!

Again, test the temperature of the room.  I know some trichsters don't take offense to this, but I do.  It makes me uncomfortable to even hear someone else say it.  I don't have to be mad, sad, or overwhelmed to do pull my hair out.  It's a real problem I face each day, please don't discount it or my feelings, even in a casual remark. 

I bet you save a lot of money on haircuts and hair products!

No, I don't actually.  I still get my hair cut, even though there isn't much there.  I spend a lot of money on special products to help my hair grow or to help disguise my trichotillomania.  It's insensitive to imply that this disorder would be a blessing to my wallet.  

Why don't you cover it up? 

Why should I have to? Do you cover up every quirk of your personality or self? Would you cover it up if you had an illness? Maybe, maybe not, but that's a personal choice and I choose not to. 

That's so weird!

Please, don't call me or any other person struggling with a disorder like trichotillomania weird.  Many of is already feel enough shame surrounding it.  These words can be so damaging.  It's no weirder than someone that has depression, OCD, anxiety, or any other struggle with their own brain! It just is what it is,  and saying things like this does not help.  

Aren't you worried your son/daughter will do this too if you don't stop? 

Sure I am. Pointing it out doesn't help.  I do the best that I can.  Living my life worrying that Dawson might follow in my footsteps doesn't mean he won't.  I choose not to worry about it (too much) and to continue to set an example for him-  Educate people.  Accept others the way they are.  Keep any judgements to yourself. Hopefully this will show him how to be a more compassionate human being.  He might still pull, or he might pick.  I'll still love and accept him the way he is, as should anyone else. 

I'm sure I can add more to this list as time goes on.  Unfortunately this disorder is not well known and people struggle to understand it.  Heck, even I struggle to understand it sometimes!  I know many of these things are said because you just don't know. Take this as a gentle reminder to be mindful when you are speaking to or in front of someone who struggles with something such as trichotillomania, or any other disorder! 

HRT and Stimulus Control for Trichotillomania

HRT- what is it and how can it help with your trichotillomania? 

HRT, also known as Habit Reversal Training is a therapeutic technique that has helped me personally with my trichotillomania.  The jist of HRT is to reverse the automatic behaviors and learn to be more mindful.   Here's the Wikipedia definition. 

Everyone pulls for different reasons.  Maybe you're tired, maybe stressed.. Or maybe you're just watching TV and you hadn't realized you were doing it in the first place.  Here's where HRT can help. 

One of the biggest pieces to this puzzle for me- stimulus control techniques, or habit blockers. I know this doesn't work for everyone, but again I'm just speaking about things that have worked for me.  I would also like to add that I don't hide my trichotillomania with my habit blockers.  Some choose to but that can easily become a crutch and you may find yourself pulling more because you feel like it doesn't matter, because no one can see.   The idea behind these blockers is not that they will not STOP you, but that they will help you become more aware of your actions and give you the chance to use a competing response instead of giving in to the impulse to pull. 

Bandaids

This can work for all types of pullers (and even skin pickers too!)  Just put bandaids on the fingers you pull with.. I know, I know- what if you pull with multiple fingers on each hand?! Wrap those babies up.  Reducing the sensation to your fingertips can help tremendously.  I've found that the blister bandaids work best for me,  because they stay on for days at a time (even through showers!) and aren't that noticeable.  I know some people have had more success with the fabric type fingertip bandaids too.  

Hats, scarves, headbands

Specifically work for scalp pullers, obviously.   Not much to say about these.  I have limited success with these kinds of things, mostly because I make the choice not to even put them on.

Acrylic or gel nails 

Works for some women.  I found it especially helpful with skin picking.  Before you have them put on, you have to ask yourself if it's in your budget (they need to be maintained every couple of weeks or even every week) and what part of your fingers you pull with.  I tend to pull with the very ends of my fingers, so the longer my acrylics are, the harder it is for me to grasp a hair, and the longer I have to come up with a competing response, like "I don't want to do this, I'm not going to do this."   For some people shorter nails work better as a habit blocker.  I've heard good things about the pointed nails.  

Oils, gels, Vaseline, hair masques

These are great for scalp pullers and eyebrow pullers.  Coconut oil is natural and actually pretty great for your hair and skin.  If I know I'm going to be home a while, I'll put some oil on and let it soak in.  The hair is slippery enough that it's harder to pull, which may make you more aware.  Or maybe just more frustrated but that's part of the process!  Vaseline is great on eyebrows I've heard.  I don't have any personal experience with that.  For me, these kinds of things only work to a certain extent.  Having "dirty" hair seems to be triggering for me.  

Gloves

This is one thing I just can't do.  Gloves drive me nuts.  BUT for some people it's a great subtle thing to use outside of the house.  Great for people that pull while driving or watching tv! 

Toys

I know, sounds silly.  I know some people swear by their Tangle toys.  Sometimes just sitting with some silly putty or a rubix cube type toy can keep your hands busy.  It's making the choice to pick one of these up before you start to pull that can be difficult. 

This is just a drop in the bucket.  There are many things that work for people, and what works for one may not work for another.  Again- these aren't going to "cure" anything, but it may help you become more mindful and challenge yourself to say "I could pull this hair or pick this spot, but I really don't want to."  Now do I still want to pull? Heck yes! But I don't want to deal with the consequences.  In the moment, giving myself the chance to choose what's more important to me is huge.  It can mean the difference between a really terrible day or a great one.  

Obviously using and implementing this doesn't always work for me.  Right now I'm in a low spot.  I did wear my bandana all week, and then some, but I wouldn't say I was pull free.  I just greatly reduced my pulling.  Hey, it's something!  

What blockers do you use? What situations does it help you cope with? 

Trichotillomania Update

It's been a while since I updated on anything but my pregnancy, so I thought I would give a quick update on my hair.  Here's what things in my trichotillomania world currently look like.  These pictures are not great, but they are the best I could do with a 3 year old helping!  They are embarrassing, but I hope they help someone else feel less alone in their struggle with this disorder. 

I wish there were more good things to say, but I have really fallen off the wagon the last few months.  Being sick or tired is historically a big trichotillomania trigger for me.  I don't cope with either one of those things well.  I'm also off my depression medication because I've been too sick to take it, and I hadn't realized how much that was helping.  I most likely will not even try to get back on it until right after I have the baby.. I'm hoping it will help me avoid postpartum depression again and it would be a big bonus if it helps me with my pulling.  

My hair looks worse than it has in a very, very long time.  The temptation to just have Joe shave my head again is big.  However, that just perpetuates the problem I think.  Short hairs are so tempting to me, that I really just start all over again.  It's like taking half a plate of forbidden fruit away, and bringing me 3 plates instead.  Does that make sense?  I'm resisting it, and I have actually had some success with parts of my hair growing out.  Sometimes I struggle with the front, but I've gotten it pretty long (which I've found annoying, actually) and I'm pushing myself to just leave it, not cut it short again.  I can actually tuck it behind my ears now!   

The crown of my head has been a hot spot lately, so I've been trying to wear things that cover it up.  Bandanas are lightweight and don't seem to slide or fall off, but I do get headaches occasionally.. I have to ask myself repeatedly A little headache, or more hair? and that has helped me leave them on.. the headache is usually so temporary that I really can just suck it up.  The part that's most frustrating is trying to remember to put on the bandana. That's a goal for me this week- to remember to put it on before I leave my bedroom each morning.  I'll let you know if I stick to it :) 

I had really hoped to have all my hair for maternity photos but that does not look promising.  I'm still going to do the best that I can, but I've made a promise to myself to not beat myself up if it doesn't look the way I had dreamed.  The important part is to be documenting my pregnancy.. and that's okay if it comes with less hair, because it's part of who I am.  

Tuesday Trich update

It's been a couple of weeks since I updated about my trichotillomania battle and I have been doing pretty well not pulling.  I have had a couple of bad moments but nothing major.  My hair is still growing in white in a lot of places but at least it's growing!

Here's what it looks like today (pardon my hair sticking out.. My hair is curly and has a mind of its own) 

And two weeks ago

Not much visible progress.. and actually I can see where I have done a little bit of damage over the last couple of weeks.  My hope is that keeping updates going here on my blog will help keep me in check.
 The color is different in the pictures because one was taken with a phone, the other with my iPad. 

One way I combat the urge to pull is to use habit blockers.  At one point I tried acrylic nails (which ended when I broke one off- very very painful!)  Bandaids have worked to a certain extent, but I am admittedly not great about remembering to put them on.  Headbands, hats, and gloves have worked the best for me.  The less I pull, the more it tends to hurt my hands and arms to do so.  That also keeps me in check.  

Through the journey to again get my pulling under control, I have learned to manage my anxiety.  So relapsing was really a blessing in disguise.  I have had crippling anxiety for as long as I can remember.  The last 8 months or so, I have been in group therapy and I have really learned to reverse my negative thoughts.  

I used to be a worst case scenario type of person.  I don't do that to myself anymore.  As soon as I catch myself saying "Oh crap, this dead car battery is probably something else, and I am going to need a new car and then we will have to cut something else in the budget and what if we can't afford to...(insert tears here)" I stop myself.  It might just be the battery.  It might be something more.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to the mix is not going to help anything.  Honestly, when I first started catching myself and talking myself out of being anxious about something I thought this is never going to work.  It has worked. It had definitely taken some time, but making it a habit has helped tremendously.  I feel more capable to handle whatever life throws at me now, instead of crumbling.  

Trichy Tuesday

Just a quick update on my trichotillomania..

Here's where I'm at.  I see no difference from last week, but I've been mostly pull free.  I've slipped a few times but definitely have had more success catching myself and reversing the behavior.  I wish it would grow faster but for now I just have to accept where I'm at.  It's better than it has been, but not as good as it can be.

Triggers this week:

My insurance company.  They are morons.  They decided to (without contacting me) call State Farm and demand payment for the repair that they said they paid for.. except I didn't have my car repaired at their shop.  Nor did I ask that it be repaired there.. in fact, I told the woman handling my claim that I did NOT want it repaired there and that I would go straight through State Farm.  Fast forward to calling State Farm to set up my rental and they were totally confused because they paid Esurance (my craptastic insurance) because they stated I already had it repaired.  Um, no.  I clearly still see a giant dent in my bumper. GRRR.  Switching insurance after the first of the year..

Christmas shopping.  This isn't really a BAD trigger, as in its a good thing (fun) for me but I tend to over analyze how much I'm spending on each person versus whether or not they will be happy with what I bought them.  I need to stop thinking about it.

Keeping the house semi-clean.  This is a constant battle for me, and a constant trigger.  I have to learn to not care so much.  Dawson is fed and alive and safe.. he's not going to care in 20 years whether or not Mom kept the TV stand dusted or the crumbs off the floor.

Christmas pictures.  We have them scheduled for Saturday but of course today I woke up with a giant cold sore.  I'm attempting to be rid of it as fast as possible and hope for the best.  It's a good friend taking our pictures so I suppose if it doesn't happen this weekend it can be some other time.  I was just looking forward to having cute pictures of us all.  Also, I have been searching for the 'perfect' outfit for pictures and realized I have no idea how to dress myself or pick out anything flattering since I had Dawson.  Thank goodness for girlfriends that can say "That looks terrible" so I don't leave the house looking like a disaster :)

That's about it this week.  Almost all things I can control, or at least I can control the thoughts around.  Seems like first world problems, for sure, and I am thankful for that!

Rough day and it's only 1pm

I am having the hardest time today keeping my hands out of my hair.  Trichotillomania should go on vacation sometimes.   I need a vacation from thinking about it. 

Usually weekends I do pretty well because Joe is home.  Sometimes I wonder if he gets sick of saying "Kate, stop." Being alone is one of my biggest triggers.  On some subconscious level I pull far less if I am with someone than without.  I wish this extended to Dawson because I am with him 90 percent of my day.   

Sometimes I feel really annoyed or angry that I have to be so mindful.  That's what helps the most, making sure I am aware.  Or busy.  Being busy sure does help.  I am busy a lot but not in the way a working mother is.  There are lots of times spent on the floor driving trains and construction equipment.. with my hands in my hair, pulling pulling pulling.  Trichotillomania consumes so much of my daily life and it's just flat frustrating.  I am really trying to accept that it's just the way it's going to be to a certain extent for the rest of my life.  

Today I am determined to make the rest of the day productive in some way and NOT pull.  Maybe I will even take a nap :)