Time to cut it again

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard.  For me, at any rate.  I know there are some women out there that probably think all my whining is ridiculous, and to be honest with my first pregnancy, that would have been my thought too.  My mom said it well- this pregnancy has been an 8-9 month long nightmare, not just the last few weeks. The anticipation for it to be over (and new challenges to arrive) is huge right now.. Not just for me, but for my whole family.

Unfortunately, that comes with other struggles for me personally.  I will always struggle with my trichotillomania, but more so when I have an obstacle like being 9 months pregnant.  I was doing pretty great, but being stuck at home with my anxiety sky high is taking it's toll.  I'm going to cut my hair again tonight.  I would rather cut it now, and prevent further damage to how thick it is.  It's actually been thicker in the last month than it has been in a very long time.  If I need to make it shorter to hold onto that, so be it.  

The before:

I feel a little defeated, but I do know that my idle time is about to go out the window.  Which is bittersweet.  I'm going to try to make it work FOR me with my trich rather than against me.  If I cut my hair now, I can't do any pulling before the baby is born.  I also won't have much time to do any after she's born.  I'm hoping that this awkward phase that I'm in right now with my hair and my pulling will hit when she's a few weeks old, and it won't (or rather, can't) be my focus.. Maybe I can get over this "bump" that I seem to hit at this length.  

The after:

All I can say is I wish I had bought the clippers sooner!  It's nice to be able to just take care of it rather than stew in my disappointment and I really do feel some relief when I cut it.  I feel pretty blessed that I can pull short hair off well.   To spin this around even more to a positive, at least I don't need to worry about fixing my hair for photos of me with Halle! 

HRT and Stimulus Control for Trichotillomania

HRT- what is it and how can it help with your trichotillomania? 

HRT, also known as Habit Reversal Training is a therapeutic technique that has helped me personally with my trichotillomania.  The jist of HRT is to reverse the automatic behaviors and learn to be more mindful.   Here's the Wikipedia definition. 

Everyone pulls for different reasons.  Maybe you're tired, maybe stressed.. Or maybe you're just watching TV and you hadn't realized you were doing it in the first place.  Here's where HRT can help. 

One of the biggest pieces to this puzzle for me- stimulus control techniques, or habit blockers. I know this doesn't work for everyone, but again I'm just speaking about things that have worked for me.  I would also like to add that I don't hide my trichotillomania with my habit blockers.  Some choose to but that can easily become a crutch and you may find yourself pulling more because you feel like it doesn't matter, because no one can see.   The idea behind these blockers is not that they will not STOP you, but that they will help you become more aware of your actions and give you the chance to use a competing response instead of giving in to the impulse to pull. 

Bandaids

This can work for all types of pullers (and even skin pickers too!)  Just put bandaids on the fingers you pull with.. I know, I know- what if you pull with multiple fingers on each hand?! Wrap those babies up.  Reducing the sensation to your fingertips can help tremendously.  I've found that the blister bandaids work best for me,  because they stay on for days at a time (even through showers!) and aren't that noticeable.  I know some people have had more success with the fabric type fingertip bandaids too.  

Hats, scarves, headbands

Specifically work for scalp pullers, obviously.   Not much to say about these.  I have limited success with these kinds of things, mostly because I make the choice not to even put them on.

Acrylic or gel nails 

Works for some women.  I found it especially helpful with skin picking.  Before you have them put on, you have to ask yourself if it's in your budget (they need to be maintained every couple of weeks or even every week) and what part of your fingers you pull with.  I tend to pull with the very ends of my fingers, so the longer my acrylics are, the harder it is for me to grasp a hair, and the longer I have to come up with a competing response, like "I don't want to do this, I'm not going to do this."   For some people shorter nails work better as a habit blocker.  I've heard good things about the pointed nails.  

Oils, gels, Vaseline, hair masques

These are great for scalp pullers and eyebrow pullers.  Coconut oil is natural and actually pretty great for your hair and skin.  If I know I'm going to be home a while, I'll put some oil on and let it soak in.  The hair is slippery enough that it's harder to pull, which may make you more aware.  Or maybe just more frustrated but that's part of the process!  Vaseline is great on eyebrows I've heard.  I don't have any personal experience with that.  For me, these kinds of things only work to a certain extent.  Having "dirty" hair seems to be triggering for me.  

Gloves

This is one thing I just can't do.  Gloves drive me nuts.  BUT for some people it's a great subtle thing to use outside of the house.  Great for people that pull while driving or watching tv! 

Toys

I know, sounds silly.  I know some people swear by their Tangle toys.  Sometimes just sitting with some silly putty or a rubix cube type toy can keep your hands busy.  It's making the choice to pick one of these up before you start to pull that can be difficult. 

This is just a drop in the bucket.  There are many things that work for people, and what works for one may not work for another.  Again- these aren't going to "cure" anything, but it may help you become more mindful and challenge yourself to say "I could pull this hair or pick this spot, but I really don't want to."  Now do I still want to pull? Heck yes! But I don't want to deal with the consequences.  In the moment, giving myself the chance to choose what's more important to me is huge.  It can mean the difference between a really terrible day or a great one.  

Obviously using and implementing this doesn't always work for me.  Right now I'm in a low spot.  I did wear my bandana all week, and then some, but I wouldn't say I was pull free.  I just greatly reduced my pulling.  Hey, it's something!  

What blockers do you use? What situations does it help you cope with? 

Trichotillomania denial

I find that I go through these sort of phases where I feel in complete denial of the fact that I have trichotillomania.  It's not that I don't acknowledge that I do indeed have it, it's more of "it's always been this way and always will and who cares?"  It's the denial that I care.

It's very easy for me to get into this rut where I feel like my actions don't matter.  It looks like crap, so pulling 60 more hairs won't matter.  I convince myself that it doesn't matter if I stop, it still won't look good.  It's really a challenging cycle for me to get out of.  I don't know if this is something everyone with trichotillomania battles or not.  When I sort of "snap out" of that mindset I get angry with myself.  I start thinking things like "if you had been more mindful, your hair would have been much thicker" and while it's true, it's not really productive.  

Negative thinking has always been something I do.  I find it so so hard to be mindful of that.  It creates anxiety, makes me focus on the bad in my life, and in general leaves me feeling down.  Today is a good example.. I had 5 days where I managed to pull less than 10 hairs.  That probably doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment, but I would say for the last several months 5 out of 7 days of the week, I pull 100-300 a day, easily.  Today I pulled again, more than 10, closer to 100-200 I'm guessing.  I started feeling annoyed with myself, and then it spilled over into the rest of my day.  I didn't get dressed today, all I got done was dishes and made Dawson and I meals.  Then I thought about other things that aren't going the way I want them to.  I gave myself a major case of the blahs.  

But you know what? I'm turning that around right now.  I can still do better tonight and tomorrow.  I might not have gotten anything done today except realize I do care. I spent a day with my adorable yet cranky 3 year old.  My dishes are washed.  The day isn't over, and I can still squeeze in a load of laundry.  And hey, I did some self reflecting that may help me in my hair pulling struggle tomorrow.  

So the whole day isn't shot after all.  :) 

Boy or girl? Why does it matter?

This pregnancy has come with some questions that I don't remember getting with Dawson, although I am sure I got them.

The biggest question Joe and I have gotten during this pregnancy thus far is whether or not we want a boy or a girl this time.  Most people assume we would like a girl because we already have a boy.  Joe and I have pretty much maintained that we want a healthy happy baby, whether it be a boy or a girl.  We would be over the moon for another boy, but equally excited if the baby is a girl.

I will admit that when I was pregnant with Dawson I wanted a boy.  Somehow in my deluded little head I decided a boy would be easier because they aren't so dramatic.  Obviously I was wrong.  Dawson has enough drama for 8 kids and then some.  He has not been an easy child in general.  I love him to pieces but he has been a challenge.  I guess that's what parenthood is all about though! 

 I feel like almost on a daily basis I watch someone (whether it be in person or through Facebook or blogs) struggle.  Sometimes their struggle involves just having a baby, sometimes it's that their babies have minor or even severe health problems.  If our baby was not healthy, I wouldn't love him or her any less by any means, but I know it would come with challenges that make Dawson seem like a walk in the park.   

Right now I am doing my best to just focus on taking care of myself.  I am still struggling with fluids, and I have had some touch and go moments where the possibility I would end up in the hospital again is high.  I've lost about 10-12 pounds over the last couple of weeks.  Keeping my eye on the prize... A healthy baby.  

Tuesday Trich update

It's been a couple of weeks since I updated about my trichotillomania battle and I have been doing pretty well not pulling.  I have had a couple of bad moments but nothing major.  My hair is still growing in white in a lot of places but at least it's growing!

Here's what it looks like today (pardon my hair sticking out.. My hair is curly and has a mind of its own) 

And two weeks ago

Not much visible progress.. and actually I can see where I have done a little bit of damage over the last couple of weeks.  My hope is that keeping updates going here on my blog will help keep me in check.
 The color is different in the pictures because one was taken with a phone, the other with my iPad. 

One way I combat the urge to pull is to use habit blockers.  At one point I tried acrylic nails (which ended when I broke one off- very very painful!)  Bandaids have worked to a certain extent, but I am admittedly not great about remembering to put them on.  Headbands, hats, and gloves have worked the best for me.  The less I pull, the more it tends to hurt my hands and arms to do so.  That also keeps me in check.  

Through the journey to again get my pulling under control, I have learned to manage my anxiety.  So relapsing was really a blessing in disguise.  I have had crippling anxiety for as long as I can remember.  The last 8 months or so, I have been in group therapy and I have really learned to reverse my negative thoughts.  

I used to be a worst case scenario type of person.  I don't do that to myself anymore.  As soon as I catch myself saying "Oh crap, this dead car battery is probably something else, and I am going to need a new car and then we will have to cut something else in the budget and what if we can't afford to...(insert tears here)" I stop myself.  It might just be the battery.  It might be something more.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to the mix is not going to help anything.  Honestly, when I first started catching myself and talking myself out of being anxious about something I thought this is never going to work.  It has worked. It had definitely taken some time, but making it a habit has helped tremendously.  I feel more capable to handle whatever life throws at me now, instead of crumbling.  

It's okay for parenthood to be hard

I had a friend recently post something about feeling sorry for people that think taking care of their kids is hard.  I immediately felt a pang of mom guilt.  I do think taking care of Dawson is hard.

I started to think about it and I wondered why that's not okay? Why would someone feel sorry for me? There are a lot of moments that I don't like parenthood.  There, I said it.  It doesn't make me love Dawson ANY less.  

I also think you can't judge another mother until you walk in their shoes. Every kid is different.  For example- Was giving up the bottle hard for us? Nope, quite easy.  That doesn't mean I should think less of a mom that struggles to take the bottle (or boob) away from their little one.  There are so many different factors about parenting that I don't think you can lump everyone into any one category. Some kids take things easily, some don't.  Same for us moms.  

Everyone has different struggles as a parent.  Some people deal with it with grace and a smile on their face and that's great.  I deal with it with tears sometimes and frustration.. and a call to my mom to shout "He won't go to sleep! I think he is trying to kill me!" Kidding.. but not really. 

So just because it's not easy for me, doesn't mean you need to feel sorry for me.  My life isn't miserable, it's just hard sometimes.  I wish as moms (and just as people, hello?!) that we could see that  it's not always black and white.  

Trichy Tuesday

Just a quick update on my trichotillomania..

Here's where I'm at.  I see no difference from last week, but I've been mostly pull free.  I've slipped a few times but definitely have had more success catching myself and reversing the behavior.  I wish it would grow faster but for now I just have to accept where I'm at.  It's better than it has been, but not as good as it can be.

Triggers this week:

My insurance company.  They are morons.  They decided to (without contacting me) call State Farm and demand payment for the repair that they said they paid for.. except I didn't have my car repaired at their shop.  Nor did I ask that it be repaired there.. in fact, I told the woman handling my claim that I did NOT want it repaired there and that I would go straight through State Farm.  Fast forward to calling State Farm to set up my rental and they were totally confused because they paid Esurance (my craptastic insurance) because they stated I already had it repaired.  Um, no.  I clearly still see a giant dent in my bumper. GRRR.  Switching insurance after the first of the year..

Christmas shopping.  This isn't really a BAD trigger, as in its a good thing (fun) for me but I tend to over analyze how much I'm spending on each person versus whether or not they will be happy with what I bought them.  I need to stop thinking about it.

Keeping the house semi-clean.  This is a constant battle for me, and a constant trigger.  I have to learn to not care so much.  Dawson is fed and alive and safe.. he's not going to care in 20 years whether or not Mom kept the TV stand dusted or the crumbs off the floor.

Christmas pictures.  We have them scheduled for Saturday but of course today I woke up with a giant cold sore.  I'm attempting to be rid of it as fast as possible and hope for the best.  It's a good friend taking our pictures so I suppose if it doesn't happen this weekend it can be some other time.  I was just looking forward to having cute pictures of us all.  Also, I have been searching for the 'perfect' outfit for pictures and realized I have no idea how to dress myself or pick out anything flattering since I had Dawson.  Thank goodness for girlfriends that can say "That looks terrible" so I don't leave the house looking like a disaster :)

That's about it this week.  Almost all things I can control, or at least I can control the thoughts around.  Seems like first world problems, for sure, and I am thankful for that!

Progress

I'm a horrible procrastinator.  Usually because of my anxiety.  Ironic, because procrastinating usually just feeds my anxiety.  So I have been trying not to do that.  

This week I managed to shop for some new clothes, schedule Christmas pictures to be taken, go to my therapy appointments, schedule my car for the bumper repair, get my car in to the dealership for the dash lights (again), have some girl time, get the grocery shopping done, and get haircuts for Dawson and I both. Best of all I have had a fairly pull free week.   I feel pretty darn accomplished! Sounds like every day stuff but some weeks it's too much for me to handle to even get the grocery shopping done. 

My trichotillomania is a constant work in progress, even when others can't tell.  Yesterday I got some of the back cut off but I decided to leave the longer hair around my face.  Sometimes cutting it can be triggering and I have been doing pretty well the last few weeks.  But I definitely don't want to be walking around with a mullet style look.  Totally not hot! 

Here's what it looks like now

Believe it or not, this looks better than it has in a long while.  Unfortunately I have done so much damage that at least half of my hair is growing in with little to no color.  I guess either it will develop some color eventually or I will just have to deal with having white hair.  Actually the idea of that doesn't bother me as much as having my hair be so short and thin.  

Despite my lack of hair I decided to schedule family pictures for Christmas.  It really bothers me that I have no pictures from last year with Dawson at all.. all because of my hair and hiding.  The shame in the past has been overwhelming and I thought I could just isolate myself until I got "better."  I can see now that I was just letting trichotillomania run my life.  It's time to start choosing to run my life myself.  Hair or not, I am still the same person.  Some people will understand, some won't.  And that's okay. 

It's sometimes hard for me to see the progress I have made with trichotillomania.  I'm pretty hard on myself when I slip up but it's just reality.  I may never be pull free.  I just need to learn to manage it and not let it manage me. 

 I think I will start making weekly posts with pictures to keep me on track.  I'm hoping this will bring hope to others that struggle.  Can trichotillomania be beat? I don't know.  I know that I can manage it, I have done it before.  I will get back there.  

Here's what my hair used to look like and my ultimate goal

Rough day and it's only 1pm

I am having the hardest time today keeping my hands out of my hair.  Trichotillomania should go on vacation sometimes.   I need a vacation from thinking about it. 

Usually weekends I do pretty well because Joe is home.  Sometimes I wonder if he gets sick of saying "Kate, stop." Being alone is one of my biggest triggers.  On some subconscious level I pull far less if I am with someone than without.  I wish this extended to Dawson because I am with him 90 percent of my day.   

Sometimes I feel really annoyed or angry that I have to be so mindful.  That's what helps the most, making sure I am aware.  Or busy.  Being busy sure does help.  I am busy a lot but not in the way a working mother is.  There are lots of times spent on the floor driving trains and construction equipment.. with my hands in my hair, pulling pulling pulling.  Trichotillomania consumes so much of my daily life and it's just flat frustrating.  I am really trying to accept that it's just the way it's going to be to a certain extent for the rest of my life.  

Today I am determined to make the rest of the day productive in some way and NOT pull.  Maybe I will even take a nap :)