Three GOOD things about my BAD day

What was that children's book called? The horrible no good very bad day? Yeah, I had one of those.

Unfortunately, Dawson and I were up for about 3 hours in the middle of the night last night together.  This is really not typical of him, but it was reminiscent of the days before he was a year old where he would do ANYTHING to stay awake, even though clearly he is tired.  Of course, that made today just peachy! (I hope you sensed that sarcasm..)

Anyhow, I have a tendency to ruminate on the bad things that happened during my day and not focus so much on what did go right.  When I was a little girl, my mom would ask me to tell her 3 things that went well during my day.  This tool didn't really work for me as a kid, mostly because I didn't understand the purpose.  

I need to be using this strategy more.  I think it would help my depression to focus on the good.  I know I don't do that enough.  I have many things to be thankful for and even on a bad day, things can always be worse.  

Three things that went well today:

1. My coffee tasted good, and I got to drink it all before it got cold (not usually the case)

2. Joe got his bonus and found out he got a raise at work. 

3. I got a few hours to myself because Dawson DID nap.  He hasn't been doing that lately. 

I am going to try to remind myself to do this tomorrow night.  It isn't hard to find three good things about my day, really!

Tuesday Trich update

It's been a couple of weeks since I updated about my trichotillomania battle and I have been doing pretty well not pulling.  I have had a couple of bad moments but nothing major.  My hair is still growing in white in a lot of places but at least it's growing!

Here's what it looks like today (pardon my hair sticking out.. My hair is curly and has a mind of its own) 

And two weeks ago

Not much visible progress.. and actually I can see where I have done a little bit of damage over the last couple of weeks.  My hope is that keeping updates going here on my blog will help keep me in check.
 The color is different in the pictures because one was taken with a phone, the other with my iPad. 

One way I combat the urge to pull is to use habit blockers.  At one point I tried acrylic nails (which ended when I broke one off- very very painful!)  Bandaids have worked to a certain extent, but I am admittedly not great about remembering to put them on.  Headbands, hats, and gloves have worked the best for me.  The less I pull, the more it tends to hurt my hands and arms to do so.  That also keeps me in check.  

Through the journey to again get my pulling under control, I have learned to manage my anxiety.  So relapsing was really a blessing in disguise.  I have had crippling anxiety for as long as I can remember.  The last 8 months or so, I have been in group therapy and I have really learned to reverse my negative thoughts.  

I used to be a worst case scenario type of person.  I don't do that to myself anymore.  As soon as I catch myself saying "Oh crap, this dead car battery is probably something else, and I am going to need a new car and then we will have to cut something else in the budget and what if we can't afford to...(insert tears here)" I stop myself.  It might just be the battery.  It might be something more.  Adding unnecessary anxiety to the mix is not going to help anything.  Honestly, when I first started catching myself and talking myself out of being anxious about something I thought this is never going to work.  It has worked. It had definitely taken some time, but making it a habit has helped tremendously.  I feel more capable to handle whatever life throws at me now, instead of crumbling.  

Trichy Tuesday

Just a quick update on my trichotillomania..

Here's where I'm at.  I see no difference from last week, but I've been mostly pull free.  I've slipped a few times but definitely have had more success catching myself and reversing the behavior.  I wish it would grow faster but for now I just have to accept where I'm at.  It's better than it has been, but not as good as it can be.

Triggers this week:

My insurance company.  They are morons.  They decided to (without contacting me) call State Farm and demand payment for the repair that they said they paid for.. except I didn't have my car repaired at their shop.  Nor did I ask that it be repaired there.. in fact, I told the woman handling my claim that I did NOT want it repaired there and that I would go straight through State Farm.  Fast forward to calling State Farm to set up my rental and they were totally confused because they paid Esurance (my craptastic insurance) because they stated I already had it repaired.  Um, no.  I clearly still see a giant dent in my bumper. GRRR.  Switching insurance after the first of the year..

Christmas shopping.  This isn't really a BAD trigger, as in its a good thing (fun) for me but I tend to over analyze how much I'm spending on each person versus whether or not they will be happy with what I bought them.  I need to stop thinking about it.

Keeping the house semi-clean.  This is a constant battle for me, and a constant trigger.  I have to learn to not care so much.  Dawson is fed and alive and safe.. he's not going to care in 20 years whether or not Mom kept the TV stand dusted or the crumbs off the floor.

Christmas pictures.  We have them scheduled for Saturday but of course today I woke up with a giant cold sore.  I'm attempting to be rid of it as fast as possible and hope for the best.  It's a good friend taking our pictures so I suppose if it doesn't happen this weekend it can be some other time.  I was just looking forward to having cute pictures of us all.  Also, I have been searching for the 'perfect' outfit for pictures and realized I have no idea how to dress myself or pick out anything flattering since I had Dawson.  Thank goodness for girlfriends that can say "That looks terrible" so I don't leave the house looking like a disaster :)

That's about it this week.  Almost all things I can control, or at least I can control the thoughts around.  Seems like first world problems, for sure, and I am thankful for that!

Progress

I'm a horrible procrastinator.  Usually because of my anxiety.  Ironic, because procrastinating usually just feeds my anxiety.  So I have been trying not to do that.  

This week I managed to shop for some new clothes, schedule Christmas pictures to be taken, go to my therapy appointments, schedule my car for the bumper repair, get my car in to the dealership for the dash lights (again), have some girl time, get the grocery shopping done, and get haircuts for Dawson and I both. Best of all I have had a fairly pull free week.   I feel pretty darn accomplished! Sounds like every day stuff but some weeks it's too much for me to handle to even get the grocery shopping done. 

My trichotillomania is a constant work in progress, even when others can't tell.  Yesterday I got some of the back cut off but I decided to leave the longer hair around my face.  Sometimes cutting it can be triggering and I have been doing pretty well the last few weeks.  But I definitely don't want to be walking around with a mullet style look.  Totally not hot! 

Here's what it looks like now

Believe it or not, this looks better than it has in a long while.  Unfortunately I have done so much damage that at least half of my hair is growing in with little to no color.  I guess either it will develop some color eventually or I will just have to deal with having white hair.  Actually the idea of that doesn't bother me as much as having my hair be so short and thin.  

Despite my lack of hair I decided to schedule family pictures for Christmas.  It really bothers me that I have no pictures from last year with Dawson at all.. all because of my hair and hiding.  The shame in the past has been overwhelming and I thought I could just isolate myself until I got "better."  I can see now that I was just letting trichotillomania run my life.  It's time to start choosing to run my life myself.  Hair or not, I am still the same person.  Some people will understand, some won't.  And that's okay. 

It's sometimes hard for me to see the progress I have made with trichotillomania.  I'm pretty hard on myself when I slip up but it's just reality.  I may never be pull free.  I just need to learn to manage it and not let it manage me. 

 I think I will start making weekly posts with pictures to keep me on track.  I'm hoping this will bring hope to others that struggle.  Can trichotillomania be beat? I don't know.  I know that I can manage it, I have done it before.  I will get back there.  

Here's what my hair used to look like and my ultimate goal