How is my baby 6 months old?!

Time flies..

I've spent the last few months trying (and failing) to stay sane.  Not gonna lie, I'm a lump on a log (or you know, a couch).  I'm just overwhelmed with appointments and sickness (thank you, preschool, for that).

First, Halle is doing well.  She still has issues but we are moving forward in the hopes that she will outgrow them.  She still takes reflux medication and we have also added milk of magnesia daily because, ironically, she gets constipated now instead of having diarrhea all the time.  She's still on the Elecare, but we are pretty certain she has a slight allergy to something in it because she always has a rash on her chest, back, and neck.  She goes to have allergy testing done next month before we venture any further into the land of solid foods, because we had some allergic reactions.  She's 18 lbs give or take, and 27" long.  She's a really happy baby 99 percent of the time.  Super easy going, unlike big brother!

Speaking of big brother, Dawson is doing pretty great with preschool.  He's learning slowly to control his actions and we are really pleased with his progress.  He's still a potty nightmare, but I figure that will come with time.  He loves Halle to itty bitty pieces and watching the two of them interact is priceless.  Dawson is 43" tall and 41 lbs.  I can't believe how much he has grown just in the last year.. But I also can't believe I can say I have a 4 year old.  He drives me absolutely nuts but makes me smile and laugh regularly too! 

As for me?  Well, I'm hanging in here.  I think right now I'm just going through the motions.  I got a new psychiatrist and started a new medication, but I don't think it's done a lot for my depression yet.  I was on zoloft, but it wasn't helping at all.  My anxiety seemed (seems, let's be honest) worse than ever.  My insomnia is back as well.  Part of the problem, I'm aware, is that I'm not getting any exercise.  That was my main stress and anxiety buster before I got pregnant with Halle.  I haven't been up to any of that because little miss Halle did some damage to my nerves upon her exit and walking/running isn't possible right now except when I need to.  However, I'm in physical therapy trying to resolve that.  See what I mean with all the appointments?  Between myself, Halle, and Dawson, it's hard to keep up! 

But I'll be back to blogging regularly very soon.. I have a big life change I'm going to be making and I'll want to share.  Stay tuned! 

Momnesia, it's real.

Momnesia.  I'm just realizing how much of that I had after giving birth to Dawson.  It's a real thing, people.  And it's officially worn off for me.

I'm just a few weeks away from giving birth to my second baby, and everything has begun to flood my memory again.  The "it wasn't THAT bad" has turned into "what the hell am I thinking?" 

Dawson, just a few moments old

I had a pretty picture perfect birth with Dawson.  Labor was short, I pushed for 45 minutes and while I tore, the tear wasn't what hurt really.  His shoulders got stuck momentarily, but no harm done there.  Otherwise, pretty text book.   

But all I can seem to remember now are the things that didn't go well.  It took a whole IV team to get an IV in, and they acted like I was being a big fat baby about it.  They couldn't get blood out of it.  My contractions had no lull.. On the monitor it looked like I was having a continuous contraction. I had more than one epidural, and the one I ended up with didn't work right either and they took it away less than an hour later- I felt everything while Dawson came down and out.  I felt when the nurse put the catheter in (ouch..).  The position I pushed in exhausted me quickly (I had a sheet wrapped around the birthing bar, I pulled myself against it with each push.)  The threat of forceps or the vacuum at 35 minutes pushing.  The horrific amount of blood.  The IV still in my arm, 12 hours after birth (I HATE having an IV.. Just seeing one makes me light headed.). The lack of help from the nurses and ALMOST giving me pain medication I am allergic to.  Not being able to walk the next day, or for several days really, and no one understanding, especially the nurses and doctors.   Being pushed and prodded in my bed every couple of hours after birth.  The nausea.  Breast feeding going AWFUL.  The ER visit for low blood sugar (Dawson) just hours after we were discharged.  The lady at Babies R Us asking me 4 days after he was born when I was due.  The dirty looks as I used the motorized cart at Target to go get formula. 

Momnesia. It took all of that away.  Now? It's crystal clear.  I want to forget again!  I feel more afraid to have this baby than I felt when pregnant with Dawson.  It's clearly too late now! The next few weeks are going to be like torture.  I want to get it all over with desperately, but I want her to continue to bake too because I know it will be better (for her) if she comes closer to her due date.  Obviously I know this will all be worth it, and I know it could have been so much worse.  

I wonder if all second time moms (or third, fourth, fifth...) have this same momnesia where they go "oh crap, not again.." or if it is just me and my anxiety? 

Pregnancy sucks.

And it's awesome all at the same time.  This week though, it sucks.  There, I said it.

Thursday morning sickness hit me like a truck.  I managed to eat throughout the day and drink some Gatorade.   Zofran (anti nausea medication) is a complete joke this time around.  

Friday morning I took a tumble down our stairs.  I'm okay, but pregnancy sure did throw a wrench in the healing process.  I called my midwife's office and they told me to go to urgent care or my primary care provider.  I was a little panicked so I called Dawson's doctor's office (he goes to a family practice) and asked if they could see me on short notice.  They did, but they weren't so helpful.  They told me to take Tylenol, ice it, and stretch.  

I managed through the weekend with Joe's help.  Did I mention this is all at the tail end of Joe having the flu for 4 days? Yeah.  Poor guy goes from that to his wife throwing up, not cooking, and falling down the stairs and calling him all emergency style at his work.  

Monday I was still not doing well.  I was in a lot of pain (understatement of the century) so I called my midwife's office again and this time they sent me to the ER because the nurse was fairly certain with all the throwing up and struggling to drink, I probably would need fluids as well as something for the pain. Awesome! Monday night was spent in the ER.  Many of you who know me know that I HATE having an IV with a passion.  A couple of years ago my anxiety would have kept me at home denying the fact that I needed anything.  I did it though.  I felt like this was a pretty big accomplishment for me, as silly as that sounds.  

Tomorrow is my intake appointment (a class on dos and don'ts) and blood work at my midwife's office.. Even though I was just there yesterday.   Joe is going with me.  Then my next appointment will be on the 23rd, when we get to see baby for the first time.. I also have anxiety about that, but that's another post.  I'm not going to lie, I am not looking forward to tomorrow.   I don't like having blood taken, although I do survive each time.  I am one of those people that struggles to not pass out afterwards and during. The first blood draw for pregnancy just flat sucks.  They take quite a bit of blood.  I'm trying not to psych myself out about it.  Joe will be there to hold my hand and it will be over semi quickly.  

I'm still pretty sore almost a week after my fall, but I am learning to work around things.  I just can't do everything right now.   I feel like this is early training for what it will be like when I'm much larger and having to take care of Dawson.  I'm learning to get creative :) help from Grandma K sure does help too! 

There's the update :) 

Post-partum Depression

I have been doing some reflecting on the last few years.  Putting Dawson into a big boy room made me realize today that I won't ever rock him in his rocking chair again.  It brought tears to my eyes.  The funny thing is not long ago rocking him in that chair brought me to tears also, but they were tears of misery.

I first knew something was wrong in the hospital after Dawson was born.  Now that I can look back, I think I was in shock.  I have told my therapist that when he was born I felt like I had lost him.  This baby I sat looking at was beautiful, but I couldn't identify him as the baby I was carrying for 9 months.  He was a stranger to me.  I was numb.  

I went on living and feeling this way until Dawson was 4 months old, when I knew deep down that something was very wrong.  I wanted to run away.  I kept thinking I had made a huge mistake and that having children was not for me.  I kept it to myself because I felt extreme guilt over these feelings.

  I called my OBGYN just after Dawson turned 4 months old and the nurse treated me like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I never actually spoke to the doctor, but I was prescribed 50mg of zoloft per day and told to follow up in 2months.  I took the medication for the 2 months. At this point between everything that happened during my pregnancy with my OB, my lack of medical insurance, and my guilt, and the fact that the medication was doing nothing, I decided not to follow up.  I did go to therapy once every 2 weeks for a while though. 

I slipped further and further after this.  Every day was like that movie Groundhog's Day.  I didn't want to be left alone at all.  By Dawson's first Christmas I was crying almost daily, wanting to sleep all the time and yet dealing with extreme insomnia and panic attacks.  I was just going through the motions of day to day life.

Just after Christmas Joe told me he thought there was something wrong, that I wasn't myself.  This was all it took for the walls to come down and I melted.  I was just a shell of who I once was and I knew it.  I agreed to go see a new doctor and try again to get rid of this ugly beast.  I felt like it was too late, no one was going to believe this was post partum depression when Dawson was already a year old.  

I met a wonderful doctor in February and she gave me medication for my panic attacks, my insomnia, and an antidepressant.  It was trial and error.  I tried many medications with little to no success.  The only medication that worked at all had such horrible side effects that I didn't want to live that way any more than I wanted to live my life with post partum depression and anxiety.  

I read a lot of books, but sadly there are not many about post partum depression.  Sleepless Days by Susan Kushner Resnick helped me the most.  I wasn't the only person who felt like this and there was
hope! I highly recommend it if you think you might have post partum depression.

We bought a house last year and moved in almost a year ago exactly.  At that point my doctor told me she couldn't help me and that I needed to see a psychiatrist.  I was really scared to tell someone else my story, but seeing a psychiatrist was the best thing that happened.  I was again put on some different medication for my anxiety and depression.

Getting better didn't happen over night.  It took several months to adjust to the medication and to get a good relationship with a new therapist.  I was now in the hands of people that deal with women in my position all the time.  

I can proudly say that as of June of this year I am off my anti anxiety medication, I sleep through the night on my own without medication and I can't imagine my life without Dawson in it.  I still feel some guilt about how much I feel like I missed the first 2 years but I know that wasn't me.  I was sick.  I still take my antidepressant and I have no plans to give it up.

I will never be who I was before I had Dawson.  I used to think that was a bad thing.  Now I see that it is just different, not bad.  I wouldn't be the mom I am today if I hadn't gone through the hell that is post partum depression.  

He is my life.  There's no better reminder than when I whisper "I love you booboo" and I get back "I lub loo too, mommy."