Halle MaryAnn, a birth story

I wrote a couple of posts (here, and here) about how scared I was to give birth and how nervous I was that everything would happen like it did with Dawson.  I thought I would share how this experience went and what was different- in good ways and bad.

As everyone knows, I was scheduled to be induced bright and early on Tuesday August 19th- 39 weeks exactly.  I tried to relax and distract myself the night before.  Joe and my mom were on cloud nine, all excited, while I paced and really just tried to not think about it all.  My bags were packed, and I took anti anxiety meds late that night.  They didn't work.  I got maybe an hour of sleep, silently praying for natural labor.  Obviously, my body didn't hear me.  

I was admitted right away and by 9:30am I had seen the doctor, had my IV placed, and knew I was still 2 centimeters dilated.  Pitocin was started.  I was having contractions even before it was started, but they were pretty weak.  At noon or 1pm, my doctor was back to check me and hopefully break my water.. No such luck, I was too tense and he couldn't reach or get my water broken.  He said at that point he didn't want me to have any more cervix checks or my water broken until I had an epidural.  I still was doing okay, but contractions were getting strong enough that I wasn't talking through them anymore.  

I was scared to have an epidural after how poorly mine went with Dawson so I put it off.  At 6pm I asked for it.. but I wanted anti-anxiety meds first.  The nurse and anesthesiologist both looked at me like I had 4 heads, but I was really scared.  The anesthesiologist gave me something in my IV and then started.  First placement hurt like hell and didn't work.  He took it out and I cried and cried.  I felt like it was a repeat of when I had my epidural with Dawson.  I just wanted them to get it in and get it over with.   He had to use a massive amount of numbing agent and then go in from the side.  Apparently the spaces in my back are pretty crooked and small.  

By 8pm I was numb and happy!  They cranked my pitocin up and then we waited.  At about 10:30pm it was like my epidural quit working.. My legs were still numb but I was feeling contractions again.  Anesthesia came back in and re-dosed me.  It made my legs way more numb, but I was still feeling contractions and they were excruciating.  My nurse decided to check me.  It was about 10 till midnight and I was 9 centimeters!  

Now we just had to wait for Halle to drop down a bit further.  Little lady did not waste any time, and the  nurse began to prep the room.  Cameras were out and ready, and by the time the doctor arrived I was more than ready to push.  Three pushes later, Halle MaryAnn was born, all 7 pounds, 5 ounces of her!  I immediately said to Joe "she's so small, she's smaller than Dawson." Yep! By almost a whole pound!  I still tore in the same location but the doctor was wonderful.. There was no manual stretching, no needles, none of the scary stuff.  She just let my body do what it needed to do.  

I had to be catheterized twice, which was horrible.. but it's part of getting the epidural.  I had so many fluids pumped into me it was ridiculous.  It's taken me 2 weeks to get rid of the fluid retention.  Overall, I'm healing much better this time but there have been some bumps in the road. 

Induction was scary, but it turned out to be a better experience.  Still not great, but that may just be because it's fresh in my mind.  Time heals. 

38 weeks.. Induction on Tuesday!

38 weeks and 3 days in this picture! Just a few more days..  And yikes, my face and everything else are swelling! 

I had a nurse visit Monday to recheck my blood pressure.  It was fine, totally normal.  No protein in my urine, blood sugar was normal for me, temperature was normal.. About the only thing that was "off" was my pulse was 115, which is pretty high.  I'm still dizzy and can't catch my breath (like, EVER) so they determined that's probably just from the anemia.  The anemia is really, really kicking my butt.  I was hoping after being on the iron pills, and eating iron rich foods, that after a few days I would feel better.  It's been a week and there's not much change.

  I had my last BPP ultrasound and OB appointment today and that went well.  I really didn't think I would make it to my induction on Tuesday with all the contractions & cramping I've been having but now I'm fully expecting it.  Triggers my anxiety really, really bad.  I got some anti anxiety meds today to help me cope, and get my pregnant waddling butt through the hospital doors Tuesday morning. I will definitely need it.  Looks like instead of doing any kind of cervical ripening (where they place a gel or suppository near/on your cervix) we will be skipping and going straight to IV pitocin.  I've had a lot more contractions this week but they haven't been productive, my cervix hasn't changed from last week.  My doctor is confident that I'll respond well because of the contractions and my quick labor with Dawson.  I'll be getting an epidural to save as much energy as possible.  Feeling pretty good about this plan.    Still scared of course, but I don't see that going away. 

How far along? 38 weeks 3 days pregnant.. Baby is the size of a pumpkin! 

Weight gain?  Scale at the doctor's office Monday was +22.  Today I was +20.  

Belly button? Out.  Totally out.  I'm curious to see what it will look like after this is all over. I don't think it's ever been stretched like this.  It never popped out while I was pregnant with Dawson.  

Wedding rings on or off? Off.  In a box on my nightstand.  My hands are pretty swollen this week. 

Movement? Yep, still moving.  Much, much less now though.  She still passes her kick counts, but she's not so wild anymore.. Unless I eat chocolate.  I thought she was going to kill me from the inside the other day when I had a couple of dark chocolates and some peanutbutter.  It's really funny to see when she gets startled by something now because I can see her jerk, and then watch her breathe pretty quickly for a few minutes.  Luckily she seems unphased by most noise. 

Maternity clothes? Yes and no.  I can't wear much anymore.  Living in my non-maternity dresses, and my maternity skirt.  I'm honestly not sure I could get my shorts on at this point, which is fine because I'm not shaving my legs either.  

Symptoms? Feeling? Exhausted.  Contractions are just teasing me.  My back hurts, my old car accident injury is really really bothering me.  My hips hurt like hell, I would actually compare the pain to AFTER I had Dawson.  There's literally no place or position that's not uncomfortable.  I dread going to bed each night because it's so uncomfortable.  I wish I could breathe like a normal person too. 

Mood? Not good.  I'm whiny, weepy, and frustrated.  Makes for a really cranky mama.  I'm restless and anxious as hell.  I'm just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop and it's maddening.  

Missing? Breathing.  Sleeping on my back.  Alcoholic beverages.  My medications.  This list could go on and on.  

Looking forward to? Getting labor and delivery over with.  Holding her, seeing her for the first time.  Pain meds!! Ha! 

Sleep?  Not really happening, folks.  I spend more time in bed pissed off than actually sleeping.  Although with 1/2 an Ativan today I managed the most glorious nap.. I haven't been physically able to nap in months.  Operation get as much rest as possible before Tuesday is in play! 

Exercise? No.  Just no.  I contemplated a walk around our neighborhood last night after a few timeable contractions but quickly changed my mind. 

Any cravings? Nothing really.  Food is just a chore and a hassle at this point.  I crave the things I can't have and that's really about it. 

Food aversions? Almost everything? Yeah. Pretty much sums it up! 

Next post should be about having an outside baby! 

Momnesia, it's real.

Momnesia.  I'm just realizing how much of that I had after giving birth to Dawson.  It's a real thing, people.  And it's officially worn off for me.

I'm just a few weeks away from giving birth to my second baby, and everything has begun to flood my memory again.  The "it wasn't THAT bad" has turned into "what the hell am I thinking?" 

Dawson, just a few moments old

I had a pretty picture perfect birth with Dawson.  Labor was short, I pushed for 45 minutes and while I tore, the tear wasn't what hurt really.  His shoulders got stuck momentarily, but no harm done there.  Otherwise, pretty text book.   

But all I can seem to remember now are the things that didn't go well.  It took a whole IV team to get an IV in, and they acted like I was being a big fat baby about it.  They couldn't get blood out of it.  My contractions had no lull.. On the monitor it looked like I was having a continuous contraction. I had more than one epidural, and the one I ended up with didn't work right either and they took it away less than an hour later- I felt everything while Dawson came down and out.  I felt when the nurse put the catheter in (ouch..).  The position I pushed in exhausted me quickly (I had a sheet wrapped around the birthing bar, I pulled myself against it with each push.)  The threat of forceps or the vacuum at 35 minutes pushing.  The horrific amount of blood.  The IV still in my arm, 12 hours after birth (I HATE having an IV.. Just seeing one makes me light headed.). The lack of help from the nurses and ALMOST giving me pain medication I am allergic to.  Not being able to walk the next day, or for several days really, and no one understanding, especially the nurses and doctors.   Being pushed and prodded in my bed every couple of hours after birth.  The nausea.  Breast feeding going AWFUL.  The ER visit for low blood sugar (Dawson) just hours after we were discharged.  The lady at Babies R Us asking me 4 days after he was born when I was due.  The dirty looks as I used the motorized cart at Target to go get formula. 

Momnesia. It took all of that away.  Now? It's crystal clear.  I want to forget again!  I feel more afraid to have this baby than I felt when pregnant with Dawson.  It's clearly too late now! The next few weeks are going to be like torture.  I want to get it all over with desperately, but I want her to continue to bake too because I know it will be better (for her) if she comes closer to her due date.  Obviously I know this will all be worth it, and I know it could have been so much worse.  

I wonder if all second time moms (or third, fourth, fifth...) have this same momnesia where they go "oh crap, not again.." or if it is just me and my anxiety? 

Reflections on birth

I saw a blog post recently about a new mommy in the hospital.  How she felt.  How she cherished and loved this little baby she just suffered to bring into the world.  "Take a picture in the hospital when it's just you and baby, so you can remember how much joy you felt."  Well, that would have been great, except I didn't feel that.

I tried to remember what happened after Dawson was born.  What those first few days were like.  I'm drawing a big fat blank.  All I can remember is the despair I felt, I don't remember specific events well, if at all.  I had done what I never thought I could do- I brought a beautiful baby into the world.  But all I felt was sad.  I wasn't pregnant anymore.  I couldn't feel him kick me anymore.  My fantasy was shattered, this is not how I pictured it.

He was born at 6:46PM on a Saturday night and by the time my parents, sister, and in laws left the hospital it must have been late.  I can't remember, I have no recollection of time.  I attempted to feed Dawson every 3 hours but he was very very hard to rouse.  Joe went to sleep at some point, and I sat and held Dawson for the next 3 hours until his next feeding.  Shell shocked.  In pain, emotionally and physically.   I can't describe any of that first night, or even the next day that I felt any different than that.   I don't remember when people started showing up the next day.  In fact, all I remember about the next day was the nurse wanting me to walk down the hall, and I was so upset because I could barely walk to the bathroom that was literally only feet from my bed.  Joe was doing everything for Dawson, except feeding him, which I seemed to be failing at because he just plain didn't want to wake up for me.  I watched Joe and him bond and I felt this incredible joy for my husband, and sadness for myself.  Why was it coming so easy to him? Why did I feel nothing at all for this baby?

My point in all of this is I think as a first time mother, I had this fantasy that I would want to clutch that baby to me so tight and never put him down, and I didn't feel that.  Dawson and I did not bond right away.  It left me with a huge amount of guilt riding on my shoulders.  It only got worse as I went home and it took literally months for me to bond to him.  I still did everything I needed to do for him, of course, but I just went through the motions.  He was nothing more than a crying mouth to feed and a diaper to change for a few months.  I wish that someone had told me before he came that it's not always instantaneous to feel that intense connection to your baby. It's not always the puppies and rainbows you built up in your head.  All of this certainly didn't cause my postpartum depression, but it contributed heaps and loads to it.  And when I look back, I even want to say it had already begun.

I'm a little scared that this will happen to me again.  That I won't bond with this baby right away, and I will feel disappointed.  Even worse, I'm afraid I won't remember anything again.  I know certain things will be easier this time, but I do have fear that the days after this baby's birth will be the same as Dawson's.  I'm trying to put some actions into place, and seek the support (professional and otherwise) to prevent it, but if there's anything having your first baby can teach you, it's that you can't plan for everything.  You just prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

Potty woes

**Stop here if you don't want to read about my child's bathroom habits**

Potty training.  I knew this would be hard but I wasn't prepared for this.

A few months ago Dawson started going to daycare one day a week.. for some socialization and for my sanity.  That went really well until just before Halloween.  I went to pick him up one day and was told he had been punished for pooping his pants and lying about it. Crap! Literally.  I immediately pulled him out, as she really didn't see the error of her ways and it was something we specifically asked not ever happen.  I knew Joe and I had made the right decision when he suddenly went to 2 weeks of every pee and poop in his little potty chair, to being afraid of it and unwilling to poop at all.  The potty chair had to go away for a while and we were back in diapers full time.  Insert Mommy sad face here.  

Since then, going poop is happening less and there's a lot of prancing around for hours and crying because he just doesn't want it to happen.  It's seriously one of the saddest things I have ever seen.  Joe and I have done lots and lots of talking up the potty, being a big boy, etc.  I decided a few days ago we needed to try again after coming to the conclusion that things were getting much worse.  

Out came the trusty red potty .  We had some meltdowns over it the first day but many successful trips to the potty.  He even pooped in it! I had to hug him while he did it and the prancing around still happened along with the crying, but I was happy.  No major improvement since then, still holding it as long as he can, but I will take what I can get.  

I'm not really sure what to do from here on out.  I don't feel like this is going great but this is totally the kid that would be happy to wander around in a dirty diaper for who knows how long.  Do I just stick with it? Back off until he's not afraid to poop anymore? (We tried this approach, obviously) Take away diapers completely (he wears them at night and for nap)?  Consult his doctor? 

If you made it this far, you deserve flowers and chocolates.