Monday, March 17, 2014

Knowing you are done, before you are there

After how rough this pregnancy has been with the hyperemesis gravidarum, Joe and I have decided we will not have any more children.  This was not a hard decision, with the events of the last 3+ months.   We knew we wanted at least 2 children before I got pregnant this time, but we were undecided on whether we would have 3.   The stress on our family has been enormous.

I have decided that I cannot be pregnant again.  My pregnancy with Dawson was not easy. I did have some issues, including some nausea and vomiting but I feel now that it was very easy in comparison.  I can honestly (and with a lot of guilt) say that I haven't enjoyed being pregnant this time.  I have been so sick, I live in fear of being sick all the time.  I miss beer and wine and forbidden foods.  I miss not worrying about my fluid intake.  I know logically that it's all for this baby, that I very much want, but I still feel resentful at times.  That's hard to admit.  It's also hard to admit that even with that beautiful prize at the end, I am not willing to go through this again, no matter what.   

I am okay with this decision.. most days.  Other days (especially if I am having a vomit free day) I feel a pang of sadness when I see other moms with more than 2.  In that moment it hits me- this is it.  Those parts of pregnancy I do enjoy (hello, basketball belly and baby kicks!) are here now and I keep thinking "this is going to be over too fast, and I will never get to experience these things again" and it brings an overwhelming sadness.  

I know that the decision to be done is what's right for me and my family but knowing we are done before we truly are, is so hard to swallow.   I can only pray that when this baby is finally here, I will feel more than 95 percent at peace with the decision.  

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