35 weeks pregnant

35 weeks! Less than 28 days until baby girl arrives!  Boy, I look tired.  

Yesterday I had my weekly BPP and appointment.  I had a different doctor than my normal, and like had last woman I saw in the office, I didn't like her.  More on that in a minute. The BPP took almost an hour because stubborn little Halle refused to practice her breathing.. she finally did it, but it took her a while.  Everything else looked good though, and she's head down, way down.  

They did check her kidneys, and one is not dilated at all.  The other is borderline abnormal/normal so she will need an ultrasound probably within her first month of life.  This wasn't the news we were hoping for, but we will just take it as it comes.  They didn't say much about her brain, but I couldn't see the cysts anymore during the ultrasound so I'm going to go with they are gone.  That really doesn't mean much though.  We will know more when she is born.  

My meds stayed the same this week, but the doctor I saw kind of knit picked some of my higher readings.  They look about the same (or maybe even a little better) than they were last week when my doctor wasn't concerned at all.  After I told her I was having trouble walking at all, she asked me to increase my activity level and take a 30 minute walk outside daily.  Uh, no.  I don't think so.  I'm in tears just going to the bathroom and also do you know how warm it feels to be this pregnant out in the heat? No way.  She also wanted me to get up in the middle of the night to have a snack because although my fasting numbers look good, they could be even better!  I have reflux.  I would have to wait 4 hours to go back to bed.  No.  She put me on a different medication for the reflux, we will see if it works, but I'm still not getting up to have a snack.  I also refused the Tdap shot and she wasn't thrilled about that.  It's a personal choice.  

Big family BBQ is tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone!  Hopefully I'm not too grumpy/hot/miserable.  

How far along? 35 weeks 3 days pregnant.. Baby is the size of a coconut! 

Weight gain? Gained another pound, according to the doctor's scale and mine.  So +17 pounds. 

Belly button? Out, but shaped different than last week.  Probably because Halle is in a different position. 

Wedding rings on or off? Off.  

Movement? Less frequent the last few days, but when she does decide to move it makes me want to cry it hurts so bad.  Lots of hiccups this week.  

Maternity clothes? I'm too big for even most of my maternity clothes.  Kind of getting ridiculous.  Even my super stretchy yoga pants cut in down low and really piss Halle off.  Trying to wear as many over the bump things or dresses as possible.  

Symptoms? Feeling?  I can't even begin to describe the pelvic pressure.  I'm walking with my knees together because it's like with each step someone is putting a steak knife through my cervix.  Pretty swollen.  I noticed my face is kind of yellow and discolored too.  If I look at my last bump picture with Dawson, had the same thing going on.  Very weird, must be hormonal.  I have an upset stomach a lot and glucerna shakes have become my friend so I don't have to force feed myself.  My nose is awful, I give up.  

Mood? Cranky and frustrated.  I'm not ready to be this restricted.  I feel like I'm doing a whole lot of nothing and there are still things I would like to do.  I'm feeling really attached to Dawson lately, trying to soak up the sweet moments.  It's hard to believe soon it will never be just the 3 of us, it will be 4.  My anxiety is totally out of control, but I had a therapy appointment this week and she talked me down.  Now I just need to keep reminding myself of the conclusions we were drawing when I feel it creeping on me.  

Missing? Sleeping in general.  Playing on the floor with Dawson.  Cooking whatever I want, whenever I want.  Exercise.  Waking up feeling good.     

Looking forward to? Having an outside baby.  Moving on to the next chapter.  Not checking my blood sugar or worrying about it.  

Sleep?  Don't even ask.  Just... Don't.  

Exercise? No, no, no.  

Any cravings? Donuts, cake, and milkshakes.  Oh, and sushi.  

Food aversions? This list is getting long again.. I don't even know where I would start.  

Until next week! 

Momnesia, it's real.

Momnesia.  I'm just realizing how much of that I had after giving birth to Dawson.  It's a real thing, people.  And it's officially worn off for me.

I'm just a few weeks away from giving birth to my second baby, and everything has begun to flood my memory again.  The "it wasn't THAT bad" has turned into "what the hell am I thinking?" 

Dawson, just a few moments old

I had a pretty picture perfect birth with Dawson.  Labor was short, I pushed for 45 minutes and while I tore, the tear wasn't what hurt really.  His shoulders got stuck momentarily, but no harm done there.  Otherwise, pretty text book.   

But all I can seem to remember now are the things that didn't go well.  It took a whole IV team to get an IV in, and they acted like I was being a big fat baby about it.  They couldn't get blood out of it.  My contractions had no lull.. On the monitor it looked like I was having a continuous contraction. I had more than one epidural, and the one I ended up with didn't work right either and they took it away less than an hour later- I felt everything while Dawson came down and out.  I felt when the nurse put the catheter in (ouch..).  The position I pushed in exhausted me quickly (I had a sheet wrapped around the birthing bar, I pulled myself against it with each push.)  The threat of forceps or the vacuum at 35 minutes pushing.  The horrific amount of blood.  The IV still in my arm, 12 hours after birth (I HATE having an IV.. Just seeing one makes me light headed.). The lack of help from the nurses and ALMOST giving me pain medication I am allergic to.  Not being able to walk the next day, or for several days really, and no one understanding, especially the nurses and doctors.   Being pushed and prodded in my bed every couple of hours after birth.  The nausea.  Breast feeding going AWFUL.  The ER visit for low blood sugar (Dawson) just hours after we were discharged.  The lady at Babies R Us asking me 4 days after he was born when I was due.  The dirty looks as I used the motorized cart at Target to go get formula. 

Momnesia. It took all of that away.  Now? It's crystal clear.  I want to forget again!  I feel more afraid to have this baby than I felt when pregnant with Dawson.  It's clearly too late now! The next few weeks are going to be like torture.  I want to get it all over with desperately, but I want her to continue to bake too because I know it will be better (for her) if she comes closer to her due date.  Obviously I know this will all be worth it, and I know it could have been so much worse.  

I wonder if all second time moms (or third, fourth, fifth...) have this same momnesia where they go "oh crap, not again.." or if it is just me and my anxiety?